Hope

I don't want to write another sad blog post so I'll try to make this as positive as I possibly can.

edit: that didn't turn out too well :/

It's been a good, not so great, run so far. I've lived in hope for these many months, just waiting and waiting for something good to come my way. Is it possible to see anything good from what I woke up to this morning? I guess it's true, wishing only wounds the heart.

I woke up, as early as possible, just so that I could see where I stand. I woke up, as quickly as possible, feeling fresher than I've ever felt in my life. I woke up with hope. I woke up, too quickly, too early though. Should I have slept in anyway, now knowing that waking up earlier would have just led me to writing this earlier? There was a hope.

There are people who are mulling their futures already, hoping to make a decision between one or another. Then there are those who have made up their minds, but are unsure as to if that was the right choice. Me? I'm still sitting here in hope for something, just something to come my way. It hurts to see so many people getting it right while after I try time and again, there doesn't seem to be a single thing I can get right.

Perhaps there is something good I can see from this morning. I guess I really don't have to make a decision because I'm not presented with choices. Yet such slight comfort comes with an insidious, continuous nagging fear that I may not have a single option available to me soon. Soon I'll be going to a place where I am not given a choice, a place where I will just follow what others order me to do. Is it really that different from what possibly might happen to me?

To an extent, this is just my ego speaking. If it was a real being, it would be bruised right now - badly. I did all that I could, I tried to show the best side of me to them and somehow, that was not good enough for them. Sure, all I read were words that seem to suggest that such a notion is incorrect but the words were just thinly veiled disguises for the truth.

I want to forget this morning. I want to forget all the words I've read. I think that one day though, perhaps some day a few years later, I will remember. I will tell myself that it was all done in vain, spending copious time and money on an exercise that ultimately didn’t bring forth fruit. I have too good a memory for my own good.

Speaking of memory, it's funny how my mind works. I do not know why I am taking this so hard when I told myself that this was only a path I tried to carve just so that I could fulfill my end goal in this way or another. I told others that I would not choose this road if I were given other options. Then why do I feel like a sledgehammer has been taken to my heart, leaving it a pulverised mess?

I'm critical of myself. Now that I know that I've been deemed (what's a better word here) "unworthy" perhaps, I will look at every single thing I've done and decide that it was not good enough. I'll go on and decide that nothing I did was ever good enough. I'm regretting now that I ever considered something good enough for submission. It's too late though.

Now as I plod on with my shattered heart and shredded mind, I guess I just have to wait again. Waiting in hope only gives anticipation of a better outcome. Waiting though, is agony. It's not easy to survive agony in order to feel pain. But well, this is the only choice I have right now:

Take it or leave it.

A road taken so arduous, I don't think I can continue anymore. I quit.

I've tried to be nice to everyone. But how can I continue to do so if I hate myself so much?

I cannot enjoy the company of new people. Especially an organised meeting. It'll just be awkward and I'll be stupid.

When people meet, there are expectations. And trying to live up to those expectations.

Never mind, if I really can't find it in myself to meet new people, I'll just disappear to an island, alone. Then maybe it won't be so big a problem.