Home?

I sit in this chair, this simple, humble office chair. It is a nice dark navy blue, comfortable to sit in, supporting me as I type this post.

The florescent tubes in the ceiling light above me lights up my keyboard, lights up my handphone lying next to my computer, lights up everything around me.

A cool breeze blows past, artificial of course, from the fan plugged in across my room.

I'm at home. I should feel all warm and cosy. I should feel loved. I should feel like I belong here.

But I don't. I've never felt more like an outcast, a being that doesn't belong to this small universe.

Nothing, and no one, holds me up when I fall into the inky blackness, a freezing blizzard, a flurry of snow blowing through my heart and my mind. I now know that that is my sanctuary.

It is where I belong. I'm in a physical home, but not at peace with myself. Now? All I can say is that I want to be alone. Just me, myself and I.

Does anyone really care? Or is it a farce, a lip-service of "Oh, are you feeling alright? Do you want to talk about it?"

I don't know. All I know is that as the tears fall, nothing stems the flow. No one is there to brush away the tears from my face, to be there when I need them, to hold me close and show me that they care.

How frustrating. When you care about the people around you so much that it hurts just to think about what you have said and done for them. What's more frustrating, you ask? Simple. When everything you say or do is misconstrued, twisted and turned, misread and misquoted.

When all you do is taken for wrong.

Go ahead, tell me that you understand my intentions are good.

I understand that you understand that. After all, you should. But riddle me this. Why then, do you give me so much flak? Why am I lambasted, blamed for things that don't turn out the way they are supposed to in that category of thinking we call imagination?

What. You think that I don't want everything to turn out well? You think that I want to enjoy the sufferings of others?

Contrary, my dear sir. I hurt, hurt so deeply that my heart is torn into two. It leads me to cry, but only when you can't see me do so simply because I don't want you to see my pain. No point having anyone worry about me.

I know you have enough to worry about. You don't know how hard I try so that I don't let you down.

Expectations are goals others set for you. While that is a good thing in my opinion, it becomes so difficult to cope with when you know that all hopes are placed on you just because you are better than the ones around you. I don't want to seem arrogant, but it's because of this that I feel so weak and vulnerable inside.

I need someone to hold me close and tell me, that when I fail, it's OK. I don't need a lecture about how I need to manage my affairs better, how I need to study harder, how I need to strive to be the person you want me, and I want myself, to become.

It is cruel. Cruel indeed. A sharp stab into any enthusiasm I feel about achieving greater things when things I achieve is met with nonchalance. Even worse, when they are met with disapproval about how I could have done better.

I am doing so, so much. Maybe you don't understand the methods I undertake. That's not your fault.

You say I don't do anything to help out. You sure about that? Then explain the painstaking work I have done in order to achieve good grades, accolades and awards in school. You think I did that only for myself?

I did that, so you will have less to worry about. I did that, so that I have a shot at getting where I need and want to go at little burden to you. I did that, to help out in a way that I know I can.

You're frustrated, I get that. So many things to worry about. I just want to lighten your load in a way I know how. You don't see it.

And when I try to explain it to you? You shoot me down. Why do you think I don't want to talk about anything regarding myself nowadays? There's seriously no point. Ask yourself if you have ever listened to me speak without a judgement pre-formed in your mind.

I'm 17, going on 18. 18 is the age which people associate independence. But I am very much your son, your child. It hurts, every single time I try to talk to you and all I hear is you telling me that whatever I said was phrased badly and hurt others.

I've grown disillusioned with talking in this household. All my life, I have been treated as the shy kid, the middle child, the one that does little or no talking. Now that I try to? A clean head shot to my attempt. I was never this cynical, at least I think so. But because of this, I've gone past the stage of caring if what I say hides cynicisms.

I very much still want to love you.

But if you just keep doing what you do, I'm sorry. I cannot find a way for me to love you anymore. It pains me just to say this.

I DON'T WANT NOT TO LOVE YOU. DON'T YOU GET IT?

You're leaving me with little choice though.

P.S. If anyone this blog post refers to reads this post, there are two things I want you to know:

1. This explains my grumpy, angst mood sometimes.

2. If it offends you, tell me and I'll take it down.

Failure of resolve

I realised that I have missed out on so many things this holidays.

I realised that I have not done so many things I resolved to do this holidays.

I realised that I have not done anything concrete this holidays.

What a failure.

"You were never a has-been. You're a never-was!"

Will I look back on my life and think that?

Maybe.

I feel an urge to rant about how screwed a lot of things are in this world.

But I shan't.

I will keep this to myself. For now.

This post shall be split up into a few multiple posts. I can't seem to find a link between them, so disjointed segments galore, but I honestly feel that they're all of enough importance to be blogged about today. I feel like I'm in some kind of contemplative mood. Then again, according to a person commenting on my tagboard, I'm always contemplative/emo.

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Been (almost!) a week at the Institute of Medical Biology, attached to the Dr. Mike Jone's lab (i.e. the Vertebrate Signaling Lab) and working with an awesome professor, Dr. Tom Keeble!

It's been great fun! The casting of gels, running them, creating maxi and mini solutions of DNA and RNA mixes, harvesting eggs from female frogs, fertilising them with a piece of the frog testes (awww poor male frogs, they are killed for those testes ><>

Well, part and parcel of a researcher's life I guess?

Most of the people I know are attached to some organisation or another, gaining insights into the day in the life of people of varying professions. Awesomeness :)

Fun and all it may be, I must say that I'm quite tired. Tired physically, definitely. Mentally, not yet so. How does one sustain the energy and drive to do the same thing over and over and over again for years? Like Dr. Keeble, two years on the Xenopus Laevis. Two long years identifying genes of interest.

Meh, it might be too early for me to come to any conclusions, but I think, in complete honesty, that research as a profession doesn't appeal to me anymore. It used to, but now, no. I don't think I'll be able to find the passion and drive for one project that spans years on end. I don't think that I will be content doing the same thing over and over again. I don' think that I'll be able to cope with the frustrations of not getting results. I can't cope with that failure, seriously no.

It'll be fun, for the next few weeks. But if you ask me to do this for the rest of my life? :(

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Registered for SATs yesterday, will take it on the 23rd of January 2010 at ACJC (3 days before my birthday :D at least its not after ><).

Life's seems so long, but the end of it will quickly come crashing down around you, with you thinking, "Hmmm, what have I done in my life?"

Sadly, if you don't plan for anything in your life, the answer to that would be quite simply, "Well, I have an impression, but I'm not quite sure."

This is just part of my planning for the rest of my life. I've done much of this kind of thing this year, doing things because I have to in order to do things I want to in the future. It's like "I want good grades, so I have to work hard", this kind of thing. I'm not sure though, if my plans will ever come to fruition.

Will they come to pass? Should I even plan?

Only time can and will tell.

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(Somewhat related to the first part of this segmented blog post, but let's see how it goes.)

Working at IMB is kind of hectic when things get going but slack time in IMB is well, slack. I get to use the Internet for pretty much anything, except for games, Facebook and porn (first two things missing is an unfortunate situation, third one I definitely can live without).

And in this time, when I'm surrounded by people around me that I don't really know, and thus don't really talk to, I find myself yearning for the company of my friends, friends being the people I really know well and being the people who know me well. I stare at my list of contacts on Adium. I see close to a hundred people being online at any one point of time. I have perhaps a couple of hundred people on Adium.

How many do I talk to on a regular basis? I counted: 6-8, depending on how many of those are online.

Sad? Maybe. Required? Yes. I can't keep up relationships with too many people. I'll just die mentally from exhaustion. All I can achieve and maintain are relationships with a few individuals. And of course, closer relationships with only a few of those few. If I don't talk to you much, you're just not one of the few.

Don't worry (I'm definitely thinking too highly of myself here, thinking that anyone worries at all about me not being close to them). In the phrasing of the already clichéd breakup line, "It's not you, it's me".

--------------------------

Am I nice? I don't really know if I am.

I mean, I've been told by some that I am this completely awesome, nice guy. Then again, others would agree to disagree, telling me that I'm a complete ass.

Am I too nice to some? Am I too "not nice" to others? (I saw a group of FB that day, titled: "Being too nice is flirting" What utter bull is this?)

Well, yeah? Definitely.

There's no person in this world that can treat everyone around him equally. There will be bias. I know that there are some people who's character and personality I just can't get along with. I won't try to, 'cos there is no way I can achieve success in this area. I would appear to be an ass to them, as they do to me.

Then there are others that I just feel compelled to be a good friend too. No reason for it, I'm just "nicer" to these people. These are the people I can get along with, to work with well. I don't need to try to do so, it just works. I'm nice to these people, they're nice back. "Nice" is subjective. I rest my case.

--------------------------

I'm confused.

Confused by what you tell me.

Will you make it clear some day? Maybe you already have, I just didn't get the memo.

--------------------------

'Cos the winners need someone to clap for them.

I'm that someone. I'm surrounded by winners. All I can do is applaud them and their successes because I have none of my own in comparison to them.

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I'm looking forward to the start of next year :)

It's going to be hectic, with lots of work to do and lots of work to catch up on. I'm lagging behind on so much. And with H3s coming into the picture, and my resolve to join another 2 CCAs, and my resolve to contribute more to society, it's gonna be one hell of a year! Oh yes, don't forget responsibilities that I already have.

And somehow, I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to work, work and more work, something I would never have said in my previous years.

I've definitely changed.

Bleh, don't really like this change but well, I don't really hate it too. A love-hate relationship with who I've become, really.

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Done. That's all the disjointedness I have for tonight. Some parts though, need refining and elaboration and I think I might just do that in future posts.

We'll see how things go. Good night to the world, I have a long day ahead of my tomorrow :)

Feeling sick. Slept from 2.30pm all the way to 6pm today. And I still feel like sleeping.

Add that to some injury I think I picked up from golf today.

How much worse can my day get?

Not much I think...

If by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

42

There are so many things to do.

So many things I need to do. So many things I want to do. Somehow, these two categories don't seem to overlap much.

Well, at least one thing that's off my mind is SBO. I didn't get in and I guess that's a good thing? Sure, I'm disappointed but well, I've never expected myself to be good enough in Biology to get in. Now, at least I have some time, a little bit of time to sit down and do what I want to do.

But now comes with a worry that I won't get into the practical round of SChO. And after all I have done, all I have sacrificed for it, I will, in short, be sincerely disappointed. I have given my all for this olympiad and if I still don't make it, it'll just be a confirmation of my inadequacy.

SDMA's deadline is coming up and we're basically rushing it to hell. With everything clogging up any second of "free" time we had the past few weeks, it is honestly no wonder why we have to do so. We didn't procrastinate it, neither did we have an inkling of nonchalance. Just, time. A lack of it.

It seems that all my problems are related to time. A lack of it, an excess of it (not really a problem there because this rarely happens), wastage of it, spending of it. But time is pretty much, I guess, a figment of mankind's imagination. Is it tangible? Is it something you can grasp and hold? Is it something you can express in physical terms? It is said that if you travel at the speed of light, there would be no concept as time. Why? Mankind's idea of time is basically a comparison with the speed at which light travels. So, move at the speed of light, no time would pass. Interesting. I would honestly like to feel what it would be to live in a universe where time doesn't exist. But would I then live forever? I don't want that.

As time passes, so do parts of us. Loves blossom and die. Innocences lost, what we call maturity gained. Some relationships lost, others gained. We age, grow old and die. Time, so much, yet so little. A universal ruler, so merciful at times, and cruel at others. Necessary, yet so easily hated.

Why is it that all I want to do can never fit into my schedules? Why I am filled to the brim with things I don't want to, but need to, do?

I want to live! Not just to exist in this sad existence of just doing, following a routine that I have become sick of repeating each day. I want to experience what life has to offer (more figments of mankind's imagination perhaps) in the time I spend on Gaia. I had lost faith in what life was but I'm slowing gaining back my faith in what life is.

To be fair, I have indeed experienced more of what life has to offer this year. I thank God for the people around me. It was awesome, having dinner with you guys at the farewell for Mr. Pan and basically hanging out with you all every single day of my school life.

I'm not an actor, I'm not a star,

And I don't even have my own car.

But I'm hoping so much you'll say,

That you will love me anyway.

Ok, maybe not as contextual as the lyrics above go but I know I'm a forgettable individual. I don't do or say retarded things to make you laugh. I know who I am but I hope that some of you will remember me when we have gone our separate ways, living out the rest of our lives. Just remember me as that one guy in your class, someone you once knew and someone that once had the pleasure of knowing you. That's all I ask.

At this point, I look back at what I've written and think, why are most of my posts in this depressed, dejected and basically sad tone? I guess, because the happy things in my life are few and even if they do exist, I can't find an avenue to share it with anyone, not even here. I used to share happy things with others, but I've been met with nonchalance, disregard and misunderstanding.

I now don't need people around me to be happy for me. I just want to be happy and I want to be there for the people around me. Hell, I don't even need people to share my burdens. For those who actually read these miserable posts, know who I am and actually bother to try to ease my misery, don't. It'll just make my writing here less open and I'll lose the only avenue to let out the bottled feelings inside of me.

Sometimes I feel that nobody in this world understands me. That feeling passes quickly but will always come back for a second helping of my soul. It's this equilibrium, if you get what I mean. I lose a little faith and then gain a little back every single day of my life. It's like FML and GMH combined.

Time has changed who I am. I've never really contemplated the same thing over and over again before. I've never harped on the same issue over and over again before. I hate myself for this. I love myself for this. Is this behaviour for the better? Well, I don't know. I don't think so, but I don't know so.

42 may be the answer to life, the universe and everything. It isn't though, the answer to the questions nagging in my heart. Who am I? Is what I'm doing right? Is what I'm feeling justified? Is what I want to do right? (generic questions indeed, but these questions with details included could never be revealed to the world)

Love changes everything,

Love makes you fly, it can break your wings.

Love changes everything,

Love makes the rules, from fools to kings.

I love most of the people in my life. Though I may not show it, what I say and do may not obviously reflect it, I honestly do. I do everything I do, so that you'll lead an easier life. No, this isn't a call for recognition. Please don't. It'll just make it awkward. This is simply something I need to get off my chest (again).

It's just so tiring.

I've been staying up way too late every single day for the past week.

I lie here in bed, laptop in front of me and McMurry by my side (I've already given up studying tonight), and am thinking.

Thinking of all the time I have used this year.

Thinking of all the time I have wasted this year.

Thinking of all the time I have shared with the people I love this year.

Thinking of all the time I have spent with those I don't.

Thinking of all the time I thought brought me happiness.

Thinking of all the time I thought brought me sadness.

A tumultuous year indeed.

My RJ life has been one big mixing bowl. The recipe for my life is still not complete, but these are the steps that I've gone through already:

1. Measure out 2 RAs and add it to the bowl.

2. Mix in 17 other individuals, making sure it forms a homogenous mixture. It might not mix that well at first, but after a while, it will.

3. Throw in friendships, old rekindled ones and new ones alike, and pick out old friendships that have been lost.

4. Slowly fold in CCA commitments, both old passions and new ones.

5. Sprinkle in a generous helping of love

6. Pour in a teaspoon of agony and heartbreak

7. Once again, sift into the bowl a mixture of As, Bs, Cs and Ds.

8. The mixture will form a dough. If cracks appear, add in a little forgiveness and a little compromise.

9. (to be continued)

Staring back at the past indeed teaches you things. I've learnt much this year, in academics and more importantly, about myself and about the people around me.

I questioned once, is it too much too soon? I felt overwhelmed sometimes and well, I've come close to crumbling, come close to just breaking down and losing my mind.

But I haven't.

This just goes to say something right? That it definitely isn't too much too soon. It's also not too little, neither is it too late. Everything has come in the right proportions and at the right time.

I realised, this year, and the blog posts that accompanied it, has been full of questions.

Perhaps a little repetitive, with the same things popping up here and then. But hey, I'm just a 17 year old student, what more do I have to worry about other than academics, CCA and relationships?

But though all the while I question, I never seem to be able to find the answers. I've never been able to eloquently put down on paper (or down here) the answers to all the questions that fill my head.

I read others' blogs. I read and see beautifully scripted posts regarding academics, of love and on life. I see people pouring out their emotions seemingly so simply and honestly, yet at the same time, I know we all hide a little of everything, never showing the full picture.

I pride myself as a Literature student, but I've never been able to write anything like that.

That's not me. I don't want to write like that. Sure, I envy their command of the English language. I envy their eloquence in the language.

But I write literally. I don't hide behind vocabulary or mask what I say in metaphors or imagery. I was trained that way but I write exactly how I feel in the simplest English words I can pick from the dictionary. Yes, posts might have become cryptic once in a while, but that is because I cannot show the world what I am thinking. But to hell with that, I'm just going to write what I am thinking about from now on in ways everyone, in just one read, can understand.

So what of questions?

1 year of my life has come and gone.

My inadequacy has been proven and at the same time I've been, albeit little, lauded.

Perhaps I have found some answers, but they have not presented themselves in a concrete, tangible form. I think that I have grown wiser over this year, I think that I have found answers to questions that I have been pondering.

But I just don't know for sure. It's not as if I can write down these answers in a word, a phrase, a sentence, an essay or even a 10k word novel.

If I look at my life hard enough, I think the main thing troubling me is life itself. And we all know that there's no answer to life, right? (don't give me that thing about 42, though it is a really nice number :D)

However, there is a way to sum up life, in my honest opinion: love. It is the interaction of love between people, or the lack of it. It is the effects of love between us and the world around us, or the impacts if we choose to hate it. We cannot live without love, that much I know.

I would like to think that I am not the only one going through such troubles and worries.

However, I am glad for such troubles and worries. It gives me purpose and drive to carry on with each day. It makes me want to wake up each dawn to a new day of amazements and wonders.

It is a beautiful world. I realised and lost that realisation many times over.

But that is what I now truly believe in. With all its flaws, the world is still a really wondrous one.

Undoubtedly, this week has been one of the longest weeks in my life.

These few weeks will be the longest few weeks in my life.

Sometimes I ask if I have taken on too much. Have I overestimated myself?

Then I realise that my life is in the hands of God. If this is His plan for me, who am I to question?

Loves

There exists in this world 4 loves, 4 unique and special loves. Listed in no order of merit, but perhaps in the order of significance to me, they are: agape, storge, philia and eros.

Storge is the familial love. Philia on the other hand is the love between friends. Eros, the root word of "erotic" suggests a sexual nature to the love one experiences.

What strikes me most, however, is the power of agape.

Agape, the love of self-sacrifice, the unconditional love, the love that keeps on giving and never taking. It is active, voluntary and thoughtful, never wanting anything in return but is passionately committed to the pure need for the person you love to be happy.

It is beautiful.

It is a genuine affection with nothing more than just love. It wants happiness in the person you love, wanting to take away the ill feelings that he or she might be having. Agape dictates that you don't feel a sense of loss or pain when you make the sacrifices for the person you love.

Sacrifices in this world are aplenty. In the road of life, where imprints are left in the soft ground, sacrifices linger in each and every step. It's just a matter of whether they decide to show themselves to the world or remain hidden.

Indeed, love, a pure true love like agape, is patient. It waits and can wait till the end of eternity.

Neither does it boast, nor is it proud.

Sacrifices, truly worthy sacrifices, need not be shown to the world. Even the person you make the sacrifices for does not need to know. But with such sacrifices comes sweet sadness, a bewitching pain that is not explainable.

My friend asked me whether such pain and sadness stems from hesitance, a nagging feeling that you don't actually want to make such sacrifices.

Somehow, I don't think so. Hesitance, the slightest bit of it, will taint this love, a irremovable stain on the snow white exterior. It makes the pain and sadness bitter, it leaves you jaded with the world. It gnaws at your heart till you don't believe in anything anymore, when love just seems like a cruel twist of fate.

Then would that be agape? No.

As with everything in this world, there is no such thing as a win-win situation. It is a zero sum game, where you are never for the better. Agape then seems to come with happiness and sadness, contentment and loss, pleasure and pain.

Love is said to be an investment. An investment of time and genuine emotions. We would expect a certain rate of return on any investment, why not this one? It doesn't make sense now does it? How can there be a love so pure, a love so genuine that all one needs when in such a love is that the person he loves is happy no matter what he feels?

I can't explain it. No one can.

I am sure however that it is blissful. Until you experience it for yourself, until you have tasted of the sweet fruit of agape, you have existed, but not lived.

I need to sleep more.

Doing work every single second of the day just wears me out.

Only time can tell if this will pay off.

No one can understand what I feel now.

Too much to bear, I need strength.

Knowing that I've done much.

Never knowing if I've done enough.

Only time can tell, won't it?

When will I know?

Why am I doing all this?

How do I think this will change me?

Only I will know, only I can tell.

I'm tired.

Anywhere I look, I see a beautiful world.

Me, I keep me to myself, detached from the world.

As the day passes and the weeks follow, I'm finding myself.

Nobody human can help me.

Yet, I know I need help.

More than ever.

Only God can help me now.

Really.

Even so, everything is good now.

"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone." - Javan

Truly, I cannot be everything to everyone, not even something to everyone.

I am ignored and left in the shadows. I am not outstanding, not special, not best in what I do.

But that's what I am, and I have grown accustomed to the loneliness I feel all the time, even when people surround me.

All I ask is for me to be something to the people closer and dearer to me.

Phew, another long day in school has ended.

I've realised how emo this blog has become in the last few months and I think it's about time I start blogging about trivial and happy things.

But today has been a long one, and my bed looks so inviting. I think I shall answer its call, and go to sleep soon. So no long post from me, just this one.

Failure

The academic definition of failure is one defined by an inequality. Marks less than 50, or in RJ's case, less than 45.

I have never experienced this.

But I have experienced this: a failure to meet my own expectations.

For all my friends around me, they have never, ever failed to meet their expectations, surpassing them in one way or another. That's why they'll never understand what I feel right now.

When your friends ask you if you are ok, the only sane answer to give is 'yes'. When your teachers pat you on the shoulders and ask if you are fine, the only way to answer is to look up and nod your head, a quick and simple gesture replying 'yes'.

The hard part comes not with failure, but with the dealing with such social cajoling on how I shouldn't be sad, about how I have done well enough, telling me to cheer up.

You need and are expected to come clean about your pain and sadness immediately.

And immediately are expected to get over it.

Why do you think I am writing this out now at this time? It's simply because I cannot get over how I have failed myself. I have failed my expectations of myself. I have failed what I know to be true of myself.

It's going to take a while. Till that time comes, I have to face all those around me with a faux smile on my face, agreeing to "cheer up", "stop emoing" and agreeing that "I did well already".

Perhaps those closer to me would know how I feel. For those people around who notice but don't really care as to what I am going through right now, by all means, I won't fault you. But for all those who notice and care, all they can do, all they can say, all they have done, all they have said, just served and will serve to make me feel worse than I already do.

There is a time for everything.

There are times when one needs company.

There are also times when one needs to be alone.

Maybe I wasn't really feeling sick today. Maybe I just felt that I needed this time to be alone, all by myself, not having to face the world with a false front.

It's tiring to be someone you are not. It's tiring to try to be someone you are not. It's tiring to pretend to be someone you are not.

I am a failure. A failure to myself and no one else.

edit

When I got back my results, it wasn't the best day in my life. Ordinarily, I would just sit to a side by myself. But yesterday, I took two pieces of paper and wrote out two prayers, two of the most heartfelt prayers I had ever said or written in my entire life. Even after that, I still hadn't got over the "fail" results that I got but now with so many things needing application, needing attention, I can't find the time to even care.

But now, as I speak to people around me who are considering taking two H3s, and knowing that I once wanted to do so and now am unable to, I can't help but feel a sense of disappointment.

Disappointment in myself, in what I have done, in what I am lacking.

Though I tell myself now that I shouldn't care about what others around me think, that I should only care about what God wants for me, that I shouldn't doubt God's plan for me, I must admit that it is hard. It is not easy, after so many years of knowing what to do, after so many years of being completely able to move on in life without much of God's guidance, after so many years of just succeeding through what seemed like my own effort.

It is hard for me to tell myself that whatever I wanted then isn't the best for me. I know that God has been guiding me throughout my entire life, even when I thought I did it on my own. But to put all my trust, to throw all my human understanding out of the window, to lean only on Him for strength and understanding, are somethings that don't come naturally to me.

I know that I should praise the Lord for this result, even though it is not to my expectations. It is only right that I give thanks, give all glory to Him for the things that are happening in my life. This is my sole purpose as a human being, I need to learn to glorify God.

I am reminded that all things that happen to me in my life are blessings from Him. They might be obvious ones, like stuff that I have been talking about in previous posts. Or they might just be disguised ones, coming in packages of pain and sadness.

Count your blessings, name them one by one.

Count your blessings, see what God has done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one.

Then you'll be surprised to see what God has done.

Countless blessings in my life indeed, even though they might not seem to be that way.

This disappointment I feel perhaps just stems from my flawed understanding of the larger picture, from a failed map that I have drawn out for my life. In RI, it used to be so easy, I coasted through life without a worry or a care. But as I tried harder this year, everything I did didn't turn out right, or even if they did, they never seemed to make me feel any better about myself.

At least in my own eyes.

For God's thoughts are not my thoughts, and His ways not mine. What I see as disappointment is because I look at it from my perspective. In His plan, this is exactly what He wants for me. I need to accept that what I think is right and what I think is wrong may not be so in God's plan for me.

I need to stop trying so hard, stop relying on my own strength. I need to pray more, learn more about His plan for me. I need to have a closer walk with Him.

Putting all my faith in Him, I know I will have a divine peace within me. A peace that passes all understanding.

When multiple posts fill a single day, I must be either too darn happy, or the complete opposite.

Being reminded about how I suck with my parents repeating people's results over and over and freaking over again just isn't the way I should be spending this night.

I want to cry. I need to cry. Too many things have happened, too many things have caused me pain.

But as always, the tears won't come.

Consequence

As peals of laughter and the audible smack of people giving each other "high-fives" fill my ear, I am reminded of how I am inadequate.

Whatever you say, about how I did 'ok' and how I can get better, I know that that was just consolation.

I know, that others might kill for my results. I know, that some people would dream of such letters on their report card.

AAACD

But I also know, that this is bad. In my class, this is nothing. 3 'A's and still I am lacking? What more do you want from me?

Depressed I may be, but no one sees, except for that sole person that has been trying to comfort me the whole of today. I sit there, head held low. I walk away, in complete silence. I cry on the inside, while laughing on the outside.

I know: I am nobody, I am not worthy of your time. I don't do well in academics, I don't excel in anything I do. I just survive.

And obviously that's not enough now, is it?

I am but a mere mortal, in this god-like environment. You have every right to ignore me, push me to one side and leave me there, while you go on with your happy lives, achieving greatness in whatever you dabble in.

Is intelligence everything? Sure does seem like it.

As classrooms, hallways and every other conceivable empty space in this accursed institution throngs with people, I have never felt so alone before.

Solitude always came easy to me. It tasted sweet and always felt so right.

Never was it so painful. Never did I want people beside me and at the same time want to be alone. Never did I need someone to ease the pain and at the same time want to reject their every comforting word.

I had a dream once. That dream fueled my every thought, my every action, my every word. That dream was my motivation in life.

But as with all dreams, it was lofty, irrational and unachievable.

Well, that dream has now faded.

As the night falls and the next day comes, how can I go on? How can I find another motivation to move on with my life?

The dream has shattered into a million pieces.

Shards that pierce my already bleeding heart and my very motivation in life is gone.

What was I thinking? Who was I trying to fool? Myself? Or the people around me?

I am a scam. A fraud. A lie. I now know.

I now know that no matter how hard I try, I won't be good enough. I now know that no matter what I do, I won't achieve enough. I now know that in life, I cmi (a perfectly good phrase, used by a GP marker).

I give up, honestly. I've become disillusioned with all that I believed. I've lost faith in love, life and everything else. I don't want to push myself to be the best that I can be anymore.

I just want to live life happy.

I was happy once.

Where did that go?

Joy fills the once empty hole in my heart.

Anger

Someone told me something today that just caused me to feel anger.

Pure, complete anger.

Perhaps righteous, as another puts it.

All I know is, this anger stems not from hatred. It stems not from an insult to me, but an insult to someone else.

It instead stems from love, love for the people around me and the love I keep deep in my heart.

It stems from all I know that is right, and that is wrong.

And whether that is good or bad, that I do not know.

All I know is, this day has changed my impression for someone a whole lot.

When everything goes right as everything goes wrong, what do I do?

There's so much to be thankful and joyful for.

But.

There's also so much to be miserable and upset about.

A part of my life is trying to get my attention I think.

But what is it? And is it really trying to? Or is it just something I'm imagining as usual.

Ah but well, this is my 200th post! We should have something happy here :)

Getting into the Singapore Biology and Chemistry Olympiads was definitely something for me to celebrate about. I never imagined that I'd make it anywhere in my school life, but now I see how hard work pays off.

A*Star briefing today was kind of a waste of time unfortunately as I have already sat through countless briefings on SSEF. It was heartening though for me to be attached to IMB, the Institute of Medical Biology. I will be working at Dr. Thomas Keeble's laboratory from the 23rd of November to the 23rd of December, a whole month! And I think I am going to enjoy it.

This year has been a cause for celebration. First the double RAs, next my class. Now, I have the double olympiads and my attachment at an institute that I wanted to be attached to. Next Monday, I'll see if I have another reason for celebration.

Thank you God. It is only by your plan that I am going through this right now.

The pain is subsiding, the thoughts are fading.

When others around you are in such suffering, you can't be that selfish to think only of yourself.

Let sadness see what happy does

Let happy be where sadness was till now -Happy by Michael Jackson

Sadness can't see what happy does. It takes a pillow and smothers happiness, suffocating it when it just begins to wake up.

Sadness has taken a firm grip wherever it is, a death grip if you may. Happiness is going to have a hard time prying sadness out.

Identity

How does one put on one mask and then put on another one?

I don't know if and how its possible, but that is what I'm doing right now.

My usual visage is shrouded by another one.

Peel off the outer layers of an onion and you still won't see the growing bud.

Peel off what you see as me and you still won't find the growing me.

Who am I? I personally don't really know. Façade, guise, visage, mask, whatever you want to call it. I'm just adding them on one layer at a time.

I love my life right now. It's just that the things in life don't seem to be very loveable.

Are the things I say truly what I feel?

Campbell and Reece.

McMurry.

Two of my companions for the next few days. Add Carey to that and that's all I'll be doing for the next few days.

Epitome of my life as a student: I don't even have living companions for a long weekend.

Oh well, two more days. Then I'm back to school (yay!) , and of course the selection tests that I have been dreading (NO!!!).

And it's over!

Finally, the promotional examinations are over! I have a good feeling about a couple of them and am quite disappointed with myself for the others.

Now for the Chemistry and Biology Olympiad selection tests. I really do hope that I can get it for both. Biology Olympiad is going to alright I guess? But Chemistry Olympiad is going to be a whole different story. Must and will start studying for it tomorrow.

For the rest of today and tonight, I will SLACK! One thing that I've not been doing for a really really long time.

Chemistry was doable.

Then why did I still make so many STUPID mistakes?

Actually, now that I've been thinking about it, Economics and GP aren't as good as they appeared to be.

Oh no.

Wanted to insert stupid stuff into both Econs and GP, but somehow didn't manage to do so as I was to busy hyperventilating and panicking.

Why can't I go into an exam hall, sit down and not worry so much? My heart pounds, I start sweating and freaking out :(

But well, I hope the two subjects that I have done have been done to the best of my ability.

Now for the horrors of the sciences next week. I have no idea how the science departments are going to kill us, but let's just see.

Time to start studying again I think.

But why do I feel so unmotivated to do so? Sigh. Someone call me and make me study please!

I feel this urge to write stuff whenever I start reading my econs notes.

However, the stuff I do write, seems to have NOTHING to do with econs.

Thus, the blog post right now. My notes are next to me, enlightening me on how small firms can survive alongside larger firms.

I'm so going to die for my essays on Friday.

101512

But I'm hoping so much you'll say, that you will love me anyway

MLTR :D

I'm not looking forward to the next 3 days. No school, staying at home to study, no friends, no classmates. It's going to be a bore.

And I'm not looking forward to the 7 days after the next 3 days. We go to school, take a promotional examination paper, go home after a couple of hours, and study for the next one. It's going to be hectic.

So much for a "study break". There's no "break" in "study break" somehow.

On a side note, I got reacquainted with my wife today :)

Went out shooting macros for like 10 minutes ><

Let's take a step out of my own problems and see the world's.

There's so much pain and sadness.

And though I want to help, I'm afraid that if I do, I'll make things worse.

Wait, scratch that. I will make things worse.

And it hurts to feel others hurting as well.

A follow up to the previous post:

Maybe I'm romanticising the idea of what life should be in all my previous posts.

Maybe life is about the nitty gritty details, how many ATP is produced from one glucose molecule, how the electronegativities of atoms change over a period, how MC=MR in profit maximisation and how y=f(x) can be transformed into y=f(|x|).

Maybe life is not about the people around us, relationships we have and emotions that we feel.

Maybe it's time I gave up all of that in pursuit of what society deems as happiness and success.

But why do I get the nagging feeling that this is all utter crap?

I feel this burden, this pain in my heart about not being able to tell people what I feel. But if I do, I'll be subject to ridicule, mockery, derision and scorn.

I cannot tell the world what I feel.

It'll just laugh and turn its back on me.

Just like what I am afraid the people around me will do if I do voice out what I'm going through right now.

I am afraid. So very afraid.

At the same time, so torn, torn between two choices.

I've got a good thing going this year, a great class, wonderful friends (both old and new) and new experiences.

Should I take the risk of destroying all that I am enjoying right now just to show the world who I truly am and what I really feel?

Economics will tell me to do a CBA. Biology will attempt to link all that I am saying to proteins and their interactions. Math might help me calculate the probability of me screwing up everything I know.

I just don't know what to say right now.

And yet, I'm writing so much.

It's perhaps mindless rants. I don't think through my blog posts before I write them out.

They are disjointed, illogical pieces of writing, following no structure, no form, no 5-paragraph essay organisation.

It's just too much for me to bear right now.

And no one, not even the closest of friends, not even my family can help me through what I am feeling right now.

For I will tell few, if not none. No offence, but this is the way I want it to be.

For I am afraid.

So damn afraid of the consequences.

Dr. Loo brought up the MBTI in class today and I was reminded how I am truly an 'I' and not an 'E'.

But why does it seem to many that I am not introverted and am extroverted instead?

"I'm a ISFP!" (to Tessa and Joshua)

"Huh? You're introverted?" (Tessa)

"No? I feel like you're the extroverted kind leh?" (Joshua)

and so on...

Maybe I'm just different around people whom I know. Maybe I'm just pretending to be extroverted, happy and thriving from the people around me. Maybe all I truly need is someone, someone

to be there beside me to hold me up when I'm down, to hold up when that someone's down,

to share my happiness and sadness, to share that someone's happiness and sadness,

to be with me whenever I need help, to be with whenever that someone needs help.

I apologise to my readers if I seem kind of emo on this blog. I just need to get all the feelings I cannot show to the people around me, all the emotions I cannot vent out, all the sadness I feel just existing and not being able to voice out what I feel.

Perhaps this is the better way to get all that out. After all, how many people read this blog? Only that few individuals who happen to chance across this blog, take a scan through the words forming sad sentences and emo paragraphs will know what I really feel in this period of time.

I thank the few who do read my rants, I thank the even fewer who care enough to speak to me about it.

I'm just confused right now. I am praying.

Praying so hard.

But why is nothing ever working out for me?

Lord, show me the way. Show me the path that you have chosen for me. Explain to me why I feel all that I feel right now.

And tell me if this is what I should be doing.

When I first started off with my revision, I thought I would be able to finish, no problem, easy.

But as I go on, why do I feel as if I will never finish!?

Am I glad that this week is over?

I'm not too sure. Well, it simply means that I have 1 week less before the promotional examinations.

But it was seriously one of the longest weeks that I have experienced in my life.

Come on, mugging in school from 8 am to 6 pm? That's honestly ridiculous from my standards.

And as the drilling and hammering continues next door, I'm wondering if I will be staying in school till late for the rest of the next week to escape from such headache causing disturbances.

Anyone wants to join me in school to study?

Thanks for reminding me about this video.

Inspiring, especially in the situation I'm in right now. I'm confused, lost and don't know what to do.

How should I live my life? Now I'm reminded as to a general direction for my life.

You know, sometimes it feels like you've done something really wrong and you can't tell what is it you have done?

Sometimes it feels like you should have done something, but you can't think of that something to save your life?

Someone remind me what I'm doing with my life again.

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place

Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change

I need to change. More. Even though I have changed much this year, there are so many imperfections that I still need to correct.

ARGH, time! Need more of it!

Mock promos, promos... ahhh my J1 life is coming to an end.

On to J2 and soon that will end too ><

Haiz.

Today was so much better.

MURDER I TELL YOU.

Got freaking murdered today.

But moving on to more pressing matters.

What is with people?

The fancy cars and the restaurants

you're just so fond of the man

Sometimes I wonder if you are blind

can't you see, he's got dirt on his mind

As cliché as it is, a leopard will never change its spots. Neither will people change their back stabbing, cheating, lying, stealing, unscrupulous actions.

And yet, you are blinded by their actions.

Sometimes I wonder if you are blind

can't you see, he's got dirt on his mind

Aptly named The Actor from Michael Learns to Rock, this is perhaps the situation we see in many of the interactions we observe in our day to day school life. Are we really showing the world our true selves? Or are we putting on a mask and just showing everyone around us what we want them to see?

Open your eyes big dear people. Re-examine the people around you and learn to trust only when you truly know you can trust.

If not, you're just setting yourself up for failure, disappointment and pain when he/she finally reveals his/her true colours.

So don't be afraid to let them show,

Your true colours,

True colours, are beautiful,

Like a rainbow.

You might not like the true colours you observe. They might just not be beautiful.

Tearing my hair out.

How does one mug 4 subjects in less than 1 week?

Argh, the only CT that I took (i.e. Biology) just had to make it compulsory that all bio students take a mock promo. So now, I have to go back to school during the September holidays to take 3 (!) mock promos, Bio, Chem and Math...

Where's the justice in this world?

It's interesting how I go to church every Sunday, and the message I hear always has something to do with my life.

I am reminded of the covenant that He has made with me. I need to learn to cast all my cares upon Him.

Whenever life gets you down, keeps you wearing a frown...

I'm stunned by our workload, I'm confused by my emotions, I'm not sure about my relationships with the people around me.

Life is what just happened to me. I don't think I like it very much.

1 year.

365 days.

8760 hours.

525600 minutes.

A year has almost passed and I can't help but feel a sense of dread when I think of how the end of next year is going to be like.

The guys in my class will go to the army, the girls will go to university. We'll each go our separate ways and that's that.

It's over.

No more as a class. Maybe we'll meet up once in a while, squeezing in time for that in our busy schedules.

Sooner or later, this will also come to an end.

Time, you're an unforgiving entity aren't you.

I saw Jesus in you.
I could hear His voice in the words you said-
I saw Jesus in you.
In your eyes I saw His care,
I could see His love was there.
You were faithful,
And I saw Jesus in you.

We sang this song in church today and I was touched deeply by the words of the song. Interesting how I yearn to draw closer to Christ from songs more than the sermons that are preached.

Let this be my prayer, that someone, one day, will come up to me and say this.

I yearn for that day Lord, help me.

You have been my strength for this year, giving me more than I have ever expected. My class, my friends, all the good things that have happened to me this year, I know Lord, that it is all from you.

Blueberries! (are blue btw, not the black/purple/dark purple that SOME people claim it to be)

Haha, random.

In any case, tomorrow's gonna be quite hectic >< I'm gonna go to school, leave at 11.30am, chiong down to A*STAR for the award ceremony and after that, chiong back to school for Bio O.

Rushing about, that’s the story of my life (and perhaps the story of many students' lives).

Thank you Lord, for saving my soul.

Thank you Lord, for making me whole.

Thank you Lord, for giving to me

Thy great salvation so rich and free.

I thank you Lord for my friends, the care they have shown when I was down and thank you Lord for all that has happened to me this year.

Please Lord, teach me to pray. Teach me to seek your will. Teach me Lord, to walk closer to you.

I was so lost. Thank you Lord, for bringing a certain someone to this blog and bringing him to remind me about how I should submit to thy will.

You know it hurts when you sit down somewhere, think about it, and start crying.

It just hurts when the people around you are excelling and you are expected to do so. And the worse part is that the people around you just don't think about the feelings you have inside, saying things that just make you feel worse.

I felt so hollow and useless for the past 2 weeks after getting back my papers. It just got worse when I saw my progress report and saw my percentiles.

It just hurts to hell.

When you can't find the motivation to move on and yet you have to, how do you make yourself plod on the road that only seems to lead to more misery and pain?

I don't know. I'm lost right now. I thought I had found my path halfway into the school semester.

And now, I don't want to follow the path I'm taking. I need to find a new road that leads me somewhere other than failure.

Am I trying to hard? Should I just go back to the lackadaisical attitude I held last year? Perhaps then I won't feel this pain. I won't feel the pain at all.

Show me the way and I'll take it.

Life is cruelly funny in this way. It leads you somewhere, dumps you there, rips off all your confidence in what you're doing and leaves you to rot in a ditch.

All the time you laugh this hollow, humourless laugh at your sad, pitiful plight.

All the time you hurt inside.

All the time you wish you were somewhere else instead of where you are right now.

Church today was a surprise.

A long time gone friend finally decided to return to my church and because of that, I finally made up my mind to go back for Sunday School.

Yes, I admit it, I have not been to Sunday School for like half a year already. No idea why, but I just didn't want to go.

Thank you God for bringing him back to this church and for bringing me back to Sunday School.

Crap, I'm falling sick with flu like symptoms except for the one that everyone tests for: fever.

And coupled with the fact that I've been going out a lot for the past week... Help! No idea if its just seasonal flu or something worse.

The Mamiya MSX 500 has officially been declared dead. So off to the mantelpiece it is then!

To put it simply, film is scary (at least to me).

I don't know whether the shots I took with my Dad's Mamiya MSX 500 (with a slightly fungi infested 50mm f/2) will turn out nice, and perhaps I have just ruined the last roll of film that was available in my house.

Sigh, 3 shots of my mom, sister and brother and another 21 shots to go. Let's shoot tomorrow morning (canal! and people exercising) and the rest of the week before going back to J8 to scan and convert to digital :(

Hope it turns out good... If not ;( cry.

Reading the article in the paper today by Lee Wei Ling, I feel a sense of respect and awe for her friend.

And now as I am typing this post, I am actually reading The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch once again. Having watched his speech to Carnegie Mellon's graduating batch of students when he had already come down with pancreatic cancer inspired me to read his story once again.

Truly, the little things in life we whine or bitch about: exams, results, money, relationships, etc.; all these are just tiny things that we shouldn't be that worried about. Of course, we do need to be concerned, just not, well, worried.

Life is more than that.

Life is about doing the things you want.

I thank God for my parents. They allow me to do things that I want to do (within reason of course) with little hesitation.

Just earlier, me and my siblings took time off to just make a sorbet, something that we wanted to do. Perhaps that could be described as random, perhaps that time could be spent doing something "better".

It is time that we learn from both Lee Wei Ling's friend and of course Randy Pausch. Even as they went through the toughest periods of their life, they managed to see the positive side of their life.

Which is more than I can say about myself (or most youth today).

Carpe diem. Do the things in life that you want to do.

I never regret the stuff I do. Even when it is the stupidest, dumbest thing that got me into a hell lot of trouble.

I regret the stuff that I didn't do. Wasted chances, lost opportunities, perhaps never to return.

I'm truly in no position to comment. What do I know about life at the mere age of 17? I can merely say that it is time for me to live day by day, step by step, knowing that I cannot control the future.

A quick riddle :)

Something to relax. A slim young man asked a girl on a date:
"I say something. If it is truthful, will you give me your photo?"
"Yes," replied miss.
"And if it is a lie, do not give me your photograph. Would you promise that?"
The girl agreed. Then the chap said such a sentence, that after a little while of thinking she realized, that if she wanted to honor her promise, she wouldn't have to give him a photo but a kiss.
What would you say (if you were him) to be kissed and so on?

I shall go get a 50mm f/1.4 soon

MOE PRE U!!!

YES!

I got the MOE Pre-U Scholarship :)

S$750 per annum XD

Provided I don't screw up CTs and Prelims

Phew.

Haha.

I seriously need a faster lens.

Anyone can sponsor?

Argh, let's go. Start saving now!

Today was Computer Science Club's handover.

And seeing how stuff were being handled today by me, I must say I am extremely disappointed with myself.

Nothing inspired the club.

Nothing brought laughter.

Nothing brought us together as one.

It was so stoned and people left, drifting out of the room one by one.

Of course, I could blame the lack of time and workload for this lack of effort in planning.

But I won't, cos I know that I have failed as the leader of this club for the first event under my charge.

I need to improve. And this will be with my EXCO of 2009-2010.

Ah, another interview.

Hope this one goes well XD

Thank and praise God for today.

The interview went so much smoother than I thought it would

Pre-u interview on Thursday.

Help!

Just a couple of weeks ago, I contemplated giving up all that I had just to feel a sense of freedom and peace.

And though I didn’t do so, I somehow feel at peace with myself. I feel that sense that everything is going well for me and I feel that there is someone guiding me along the path.

Thank you.

I am so much happier now. I cried my heart out two weeks ago when I was so confused and not knowing where I should be headed.

Now I know where I am headed, and this has indeed brought about happiness (if not happiness, at least a sense of relief) to me.

Thank you.

I am now glad that with your help, I have chosen what I need to do instead of what I want to do. Needs and wants can be merely a line apart, or could be worlds apart.

And yet, the heart yearns for the wants and not the needs. Human greed, thou truly art a senseless emotion, a nonsensical feeling.

Thank you.

I've chosen the road that I am taking.

A Wikipedia article on temporomandibular joint disorder. I really shouldn't be doing this and emoing about my condition but hey, it's information for you the readers :)

Temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJD, TMJ or TMD), or TMJ syndrome, is an umbrella term covering acute or chronic inflammation of the temporomandibular joint, which connects the mandible to the skull. The disorder and resultant dysfunction can result in significant pain and impairment. Because the disorder transcends the boundaries between several health-care disciplines — in particular, dentistry, neurology, physical therapy, and psychology — there are a variety of treatment approaches.

The temporomandibular joint is susceptible to many of the conditions that affect other joints in the body, including ankylosis, arthritis, trauma, dislocations, developmental anomalies, and neoplasia.

Signs and symptoms

Signs and symptoms of temporomandibular joint disorder vary in their presentation and can be very complex. Often the symptoms will involve more than one of the numerous TMJ components: muscles, nerves, tendons, ligaments, bones, connective tissue, and the teeth. Ear pain associated with the swelling of proximal tissue is a symptom of temporomandibular joint disorder. Temporomandibular joint disorder is sometimes mistaken for pain arising from impacted third molars.

Muscles

Disorders of the muscles of the temporomandibular joint are the most common complaints by TMD patients. The two major observations concerning the muscles are pain and dysfunction. The dysfunction can present as trismus or limitation of jaw movement ranging from minor to severe. In milder cases, the only representation may be joint sound such as clicking or popping. These symptoms of TMD are often caused by overusage of the muscles of mastication. Common causes include chewing gum continuously, biting habits (fingernails and pencils), grinding habits, and clenching habits.

Most cases of TMJ, however, are not so simple. Deep-space infections with resulting trismus or neoplams about the joint may mimic TMJ dysfunction. Muscle pain can sometimes be associated with trigger points in muscle tissue. These trigger points can be localized by digital palpation, both intraorally and extraorally. This is known as Myofascial pain syndrome.

Any dysfunction of the muscles may cause the teeth to occlude (bite) with each other incorrectly; if teeth are traumatized by this, they may become sensitive, demonstrating one of the many interplays between muscle, joint, and tooth.

Temporomandibular joints

This is arguably the most complex set of joints in the human body. Unlike typical finger or vertebral junctions, each TMJ actually has two joints, which allow it to both rotate and to translate (slide). With use, it is common to see wear of both the bone and cartilage components of it. Clicking is common, as are popping motions and deviations in the movements of the joint. It is considered a TMJ disorder when pain is involved.

In a healthy joint, the surfaces in contact with one another (bone and cartilage) do not have any receptors to transmit the feeling of pain. The pain therefore originates from one of the surrounding soft tissues. When receptors from one of these areas are triggered, the pain causes a reflex to limit the mandible's movement. Furthermore, inflammation of the joints can cause constant pain, even without movement of the jaw.

Due to close proximity of the ear to the temporomandibular joint, TMJ pain can often be confused with ear pain. The pain may be referred in around half of all patients and experienced as otalgia (earache). Conversely, TMD is an important possible cause of secondary otalgia. Treatment of TMD may then significantly reduce symptoms of otalgia and tinnitus, as well as atypical facial pain. Despite some of these findings, some researchers question whether TMD therapy can reduce symptoms in the ear, and there is currently an ongoing debate to settle the controversy.

The dysfunction involved is most often in regards to the relationship between the condyle of the mandible and the disc. The sounds produced by this dysfunction are usually described as a "click" or a "pop" when a single sound is heard and as "crepitation" or "crepitus" when there are multiple, rough sounds[citation needed]

Teeth

Disorders of the teeth can contribute to TMJ disfunction. Impaired tooth mobility and tooth loss can be caused by destruction of the supporting bone and by heavy forces being placed on teeth. The movement of the teeth affects how they contact one another when the mouth closes, and the overall relationship between the teeth, muscles, and joints can be altered. Pulpitis, inflammation of the dental pulp, is another symptom that may result from excessive surface erosion. Maybe the most important factor is the way the teeth meet together. The equilibration of forces of mastication and therefore the displacements of the condyle.

Precipitating factors

There are many external factors that place undue strain on the TMJ. These include but are not limited to the following:

Over-opening the jaw beyond its range for the individual or unusually aggressive or repetitive sliding of the jaw sideways (laterally) or forward (protrusive). These movements may also be due to parafunctional habits or a malalignment of the jaw or dentition. This may be due to:

1. Trauma
2. Repetitive unconscious jaw movements called bruxing.
3. Malalignment of the occlusal surfaces of the teeth due to dental defect or neglect.
4. Jaw thrusting (causing unusual speech and chewing habits).
5. Excessive gum chewing or nail biting.
6. Size of foods eaten.
7. Degenerative joint disease, such as osteoarthritis or organic degeneration of the articular surfaces, recurrent fibrous and/or bony ankylosis, developmental abnormality, or pathologic lesions within the TMJ
8. Myofascial pain dysfunction syndrome

Treatment

Restoration of the occlusal surfaces of the teeth

If the occlusal surfaces of the teeth or the supporting structures have been damaged due to dental neglect, periodontal diseases or trauma, the proper occlusion should be restored.

Pain relief

While conventional analgesic pain killers such as paracetamol (acetaminophen) or NSAIDs provide initial relief for some sufferers, the pain is often more neuralgic in nature, which often does not respond well to these drugs.

An alternative approach is for pain modification, for which off-label use of low-doses of Tricyclic antidepressant that have anti-muscarinic properties (e.g. Amitriptyline or the less sedative Nortriptyline) generally prove more effective.

Long-term approach

It is suggested that before the attending dentist commences any plan or approach utilizing medications or surgery, a thorough search for inciting para-functional jaw habits must be performed. Correction of any discrepancies from normal can then be the primary goal.

An approach to eliminating para-functional habits involves the taking of a detailed history and careful physical examination. The medical history should be designed to reveal duration of illness and symptoms, previous treatment and effects, contributing medical findings, history of facial trauma, and a search for habits that may have produced or enhanced symptoms. Particular attention should be directed in identifying perverse jaw habits, such as clenching or teeth grinding, lip or cheek biting, or positioning of the lower jaw in an edge-to-edge bite. All of the above strain the muscles of mastication (chewing) and results in jaw pain. Palpation of these muscles will cause a painful response.

Treatment is oriented to eliminating oral habits, physical therapy to the masticatory muscles, and alleviating bad posture of the head and neck. A flat-plane full-coverage oral appliance, e.g. a non-repositioning stabilization splint, often is helpful to control bruxism and take stress off the temporomandibular joint, although some individuals may bite harder on it, resulting in a worsening of their conditions. The anterior splint, with contact at the front teeth only, may then prove helpful. This method of treatment is often referred to as "splint therapy."

According to the National Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research (NIDCR) of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), TMJ treatments should be reversible whenever possible. That means that the treatment should not cause permanent changes to the jaw or teeth. Examples of reversible treatments are:

* Over-the-counter pain medications, used according to manufacturers’ instructions.
* Prescription medications prescribed by a healthcare provider.
* Gentle jaw stretching and relaxation exercises you can do at home. Your healthcare provider can recommend exercises for your particular condition, if appropriate.
* Feldenkrais TMJ Program, uses a unique understanding of human neurology to reduce chronic tension in the jaw, face, neck, and upper back, and to reverse long-standing movement habits responsible for the original TMJ symptoms[19][20].
* Stabilization splint (biteplate, nightguard) is the most widely used treatment for TMJ and jaw muscle problems; however, the actual effectiveness of these splints is unclear. If an oral splint is recommended, it should be used only for a short time and should not cause permanent changes in the bite. If a splint causes or increases pain, stop using it and tell your healthcare provider. Avoid using over-the-counter mouthguards for TMJ treatment. If a splint is not properly fitted, the teeth may shift and worsen the condition.
* Mandibular Repositioning Devices can be worn for a short time to help alleviate symptoms related to painful clicking when opening the mouth wide, but 24-hour wear for the long term may lead to changes in the position of the teeth that can complicate treatment. A typical long-term permanent treatment (if the device is proven to work especially well for the situation) would be to convert the device to a flat-plane bite plate fully covering either the upper or lower teeth and to be used only at night.

What may be concluded is that there are various treatment modalities which a well-trained experienced dentist may employ to relieve symptoms and improve joint function. They include:

* Manual adjustment of the bite by grinding the teeth
* Mandibular repositioning splints which move the jaw, ligaments and muscles into a new position and myofunctional therapy
* Reconstructive dentistry
* Orthodontics
* Arthrocentesis (joint irrigation)
* Surgical repositoning of jaws to correct congenital jaw malformations such as prognathism and retrognathia
* Replacement of the jaw joint(s) or disc(s) with TMJ implants (This should be considered only as a treatment of last resort.)

Attempts in the last decade to develop surgical treatments based on MRI and CAT scans now receive less attention. These techniques are reserved for the most recalcitrant cases where other therapeutic modalities have changed. Exercise protocols, habit control, and splinting should be the first line of approach, leaving oral surgery as a last resort. Certainly a focus on other possible causes of facial pain and jaw immobility and dysfunction should be the initial consideration of the examining oral-facial pain specialist, oral surgeon or health professional. One option for oral surgery, is to manipulate the jaw under general anaesthetic and wash out the joint with a saline and anti-inflammatory solution in a procedure known as arthrocentesis. In some cases, this will reduce the inflammatory process.

I have temporomandibular joint disorder.

Sounds complicated and serious, but it basically means that my jaw bone has been 'filed' down at the joints.

Causing me pain.

It's time to stop slacking.

It's time to start working.

What can I do for a start?

My days are long and the rest I get short.

Lord, give me strength to move on in life. Give me strength to do that which I need to.

Today marked the conclusion of InnovateIT.

Two weeks of hard work, brainstorming and presentation creation finally came to fruition in what I would call an unexpected result.

We went into the presentation, got completely owned for the business portion of the presentation, but still managed to get into the finals. Thank you God.

In the finals, we were asked the same questions by the same judge. I don't know what he didn't understand from the term "data aggregator", because he basically asked us the same question with regards to that the second time around again!

So we ended up getting a consolation prize, which in the circumstances we faced, isn't that bad a result.

So now I have a 1GB 2nd Gen iPod Shuffle. Anyone wants for $50?

On a side note, I was elected as the chairperson for the Raffles Computer Science Club on the Wednesday of the previous week. Another extremely unexpected result, but oh well, that's what made me so happy the previous post :)

Gd night world!

I'm extremely, extremely happy today, but I shan't say why :)

But on a side note:

IT'S FREAKING WINDY TONIGHT.

For the first time in my life, I have heard the wind howling around my house, causing my windows to vibrate and roof tiles to shudder.

What's wrong? Anyone knows?

As Kwok Hao puts it, I went through an unintentional class bonding session today.

Granted not the whole class was in the lift when it suddenly decided that maintenance was required, it still was quite interesting.

For one, never in my life would I have imagined that this would happen to me. It's like all those Chinese compositions that you write in primary school, with all those pictures and stuff.

For two, people aren't actually that scared of a life breaking down. We just laughed and talked the whole way through. Granted, it was just 20min (although it seemed way way shorter). Some of us also basically got quite pissed with the school admin (but I personally don't think it's their fault).

For three, Jenny was in the lift with us. Zhaoyang was having so much fun with her :)

But what caused me to truly reflect was the way the people from our class that were not in the lift reacted to the breakdown. Noticing that we weren't in class even after 5-10min after they reached (we were supposed to be ahead cos we took the lift), they realised that something had gone wrong.

And they ran from floor to floor, knocking on the doors to try to get a response from us.

All the way from the 6th floor to the ground floor. Thank you all. I'm guessing that should you not have contacted the admin, we would have been trapped in there way longer than 20min.

This are just some of the small things that make you appreciate the people in your life.

This goes out to all you people. Thank you to all of you 10S03O people for all you did. Maybe a little mushy in terms of what I would normally write, but thank you all the same. It was an experience of a lifetime XD

It's interesting how a week can change the way you view your life.

Crappy finger. Bandaged up once again to stop me from bending.

I is win.

My finger has stopped swelling up and the swelling has actually started to subside. Thank God!

However, I still cannot go for the camp :( due to the fact that the joint on my finger is still freaking weak due to the sprain and I seriously don't want to go for camp and dislocate my finger there.

That will suck. Period.

I still can't bend my finger without feeling pain (it also is kinda stiff and not responsive to me), so this blog post is still typed with 9 fingers instead of the normal 10.

I just got my finger bandaged up. Went to see a doctor today and he said there is a slim chance that there might be a fracture.

I might have to go for a X-ray on Saturday/Monday depending on how long my finger takes to recover.

Thus, I can't go for class camp :( Excused from all physical activity for 10 days, which includes next Monday and Tuesday.

Damn

I SCREWED MY FINGER TODAY!!!

Evidence below:

The pics seriously makes it look better than it actually is. I can't even bend this finger now. Typing with 9 fingers rocks until I forget to not use the screwed finger.

Then ouch.

I am extremely poor now...

Nikkor AF 105mm f/2.8 Micro

I FINALLY GOT A NEW LENS!


The Nikkor AF 105mm f/2.8 Micro is basically one of the best macro lenses that you can get on the market now. Granted that this is the older version (Nikon came out with the VR version in 2006), I must say that this is a worthwhile investment.

Another gripe I have is that it cannot AF with my D40x but given the fact that I might upgrade my camera body in the near future, I don't think this is much of a problem. After all, it's better to MF for macro shots anyway and for scenery, I'll just change to my kit lens :)

It all works out!

Pictures later, I still haven't found the time to play around and my camera's battery is being charged.

I have decided to learn two pieces:

Fantasie Impromptu - Chopin
La Campanella - Paganini, arranged by Lizst

I'm planning to master the impromptu and basically just survive La Campanella.

Wish me luck.

A Whole New World

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

JC life is a whole new world to me. I'm gonna go along for the ride and see where it takes me. Perhaps to a whole new, wondrous place.

April 1st

Zhaoyang got his "first white slip today" :P

Vote Fong!

Pranks got pulled, but nothing major. I guess that we all aren't in the mood for doing anything radical anyway.

When people look at the list for SRP and see that their name is not there, this is their reaction:

"Oh shit, I didn't get in." followed by perhaps a load of obscenities.

But...

When I called Chester today:

Matthew: "Hey Chester, you got into SRP. Go and sign the list..."
Chester: "Oh shit, I'm sure I got in..." followed by obscenities.

:)

Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong

Why am I feeling this way? So tired, so exhausted, so...

Useless?

I've lost sight of my purpose. I've lost sight of who I want to be. I've lost sight of who I am.

Disillusionment is a tough pill to swallow

It is interesting to see how, as someone put it, a class of people can have so many people with inferiority complexes.

Well, I must admit that I am part of that classification.

I just had a talk with someone from my class. He said that he didn't like me at first because I spoke too much and had this tendency to repeat whatever someone said wholesale, with complete repetition or not bringing any new points. Perhaps what he said was true. Perhaps I appear to be so.

But I would like to say that this is in no way is me trying to gain attention.

I am an idiot with spoken words. I have never been good at speaking or bringing my point across in words. I think, and speak. But sometimes my point just does not come across and it seems that I am just repeating. I prefer the written word to the spoken. I need time to rethink, rewrite and finally show my work. Spontaneity has never been my strong point.

I am a introvert, a person who tries to keep his true self to himself and expose it no one else. I am trying to change, to perhaps become someone that I never was.

I am trying to fit in, but I guess that I never will.

Please tell me if the way I behave makes you feel uncomfortable. Please tell me if the way I speak turns you off.

Please, help me to change.

Well, I guess the honeymoon's over.

Cracks and crevices are beginning to appear. Lines have appeared and divided people.

Expected really, but what can we do?

MBTI

And today concludes, for me, the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) that all RA students are supposed to sit for. It's basically a personality test that's meant to let you and others know yourself better.

Apparently, I am a ISFP, which is scarily accurate. Look at the description below:

According to Myers-Briggs, ISFPs are peaceful, easygoing people who adopt a "live and let live" approach to life. They enjoy taking things at their own pace and tend to live in the moment. Although quiet, they are pleasant, considerate, and caring, devoted to the people in their lives. Though not inclined to debate or necessarily even air their views, their values are important to them.
(from Wikipedia, I'm too lazy to go downstairs to get the actual one that we read)

And I guess it's with no doubt that many doubt my I-ness. I seem extroverted do I not? Well, truth be told, I guess that is a mask, a mask that I put on every morning before I go to school.

I guess I'm just not someone that likes to have fun, I'm not someone that is easy to get to know. I keep my real self hidden, wrapped tightly under the many layers of perhaps pretence that I embody. What you see, is not what you really get I guess.

There are times when I feel inadequate in 10S03O. Today was no exception.

Class Outing

Class outing was so damn fun yesterday! Now I see why everyone says that you MUST go Aaron's house. His house is so cool: drum set, guitars, PS2, XBox 360, mini pool. A whole level of the house is dedicated to entertainment!

But details later. I still have work to do. Damn you GP.

Point to self (with regards to tennis):

1. Never play at 12 noon
2. Never play for 2 hours straight without drinking any water
3. Never play for 3 hours straight if I have to help out at a camp later

Reflections

"When will my reflection show, who I am inside?" Mulan, from the aptly named Disney movie - Mulan.

Time once again for my weekly reflection. I'm going to try to tone down the emo-ness for this one.

It's 5.50pm on the second day of the holidays and all I have done so far is work, work and more work. I am beginning to wonder the wisdom of taking two RAs in an already hectic JC life.

I'm not that smart. I don't work as hard as many others do. I walk around, seeing people reading textbooks, churning out answers to the many questions on our worksheets. I sit around, listening to people pouring out facts about stuff I never knew existed.

Am I inadequate? Or have I not done enough?

In a class full of really, really good people (I mean this both academically and as human beings), I can't help but feel that I am somehow lacking. I am neither sociable nor academically inclined, I try too hard to fit in sometimes but never do.

What else am I lacking? Well, I can't tell right now. It is a journey, like my journey through Raffles Institution (my English showcase portfolio theme!). I have learnt much about myself from my experience in RI,but as I grow further from the people I have spent four years with and try to forge new relationships with new people, I have to change and mature as well.

I have to learn more about myself. I need to understand myself better.

Isn't that what life is all about? We go about our result oriented life, moving from project to project, assignment to assignment, losing ourselves in the process. We become what people want us to be, but fail to become what we were meant to be.

Sadly, as I trudge on the path to the ultimate end, I feel myself changing in ways I never imagined. I am becoming different, but is this truly me?

It is interesting how I can pour out what I truly feel into this blog, exposing my feelings to the world as a whole. And yet, I can never find someone mortal that I can truly confide in.

I have spent 12 minutes (and counting) typing out this post. Have I achieved anything from it? Maybe not.

An interesting fact

I noticed something interesting today.

I sleep later in the holidays doing work than during the school term.

Plus, if I stay up past 11.30pm, I can't sleep till 1am. And if I manage to stay up past 1am, I can don't sleep till the next day.

Hmmm, makes me wonder sometimes what I can do.