When people look at the list for SRP and see that their name is not there, this is their reaction:

"Oh shit, I didn't get in." followed by perhaps a load of obscenities.

But...

When I called Chester today:

Matthew: "Hey Chester, you got into SRP. Go and sign the list..."
Chester: "Oh shit, I'm sure I got in..." followed by obscenities.

:)

Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong

Why am I feeling this way? So tired, so exhausted, so...

Useless?

I've lost sight of my purpose. I've lost sight of who I want to be. I've lost sight of who I am.

Disillusionment is a tough pill to swallow

It is interesting to see how, as someone put it, a class of people can have so many people with inferiority complexes.

Well, I must admit that I am part of that classification.

I just had a talk with someone from my class. He said that he didn't like me at first because I spoke too much and had this tendency to repeat whatever someone said wholesale, with complete repetition or not bringing any new points. Perhaps what he said was true. Perhaps I appear to be so.

But I would like to say that this is in no way is me trying to gain attention.

I am an idiot with spoken words. I have never been good at speaking or bringing my point across in words. I think, and speak. But sometimes my point just does not come across and it seems that I am just repeating. I prefer the written word to the spoken. I need time to rethink, rewrite and finally show my work. Spontaneity has never been my strong point.

I am a introvert, a person who tries to keep his true self to himself and expose it no one else. I am trying to change, to perhaps become someone that I never was.

I am trying to fit in, but I guess that I never will.

Please tell me if the way I behave makes you feel uncomfortable. Please tell me if the way I speak turns you off.

Please, help me to change.

Well, I guess the honeymoon's over.

Cracks and crevices are beginning to appear. Lines have appeared and divided people.

Expected really, but what can we do?

MBTI

And today concludes, for me, the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) that all RA students are supposed to sit for. It's basically a personality test that's meant to let you and others know yourself better.

Apparently, I am a ISFP, which is scarily accurate. Look at the description below:

According to Myers-Briggs, ISFPs are peaceful, easygoing people who adopt a "live and let live" approach to life. They enjoy taking things at their own pace and tend to live in the moment. Although quiet, they are pleasant, considerate, and caring, devoted to the people in their lives. Though not inclined to debate or necessarily even air their views, their values are important to them.
(from Wikipedia, I'm too lazy to go downstairs to get the actual one that we read)

And I guess it's with no doubt that many doubt my I-ness. I seem extroverted do I not? Well, truth be told, I guess that is a mask, a mask that I put on every morning before I go to school.

I guess I'm just not someone that likes to have fun, I'm not someone that is easy to get to know. I keep my real self hidden, wrapped tightly under the many layers of perhaps pretence that I embody. What you see, is not what you really get I guess.

There are times when I feel inadequate in 10S03O. Today was no exception.

Class Outing

Class outing was so damn fun yesterday! Now I see why everyone says that you MUST go Aaron's house. His house is so cool: drum set, guitars, PS2, XBox 360, mini pool. A whole level of the house is dedicated to entertainment!

But details later. I still have work to do. Damn you GP.

Point to self (with regards to tennis):

1. Never play at 12 noon
2. Never play for 2 hours straight without drinking any water
3. Never play for 3 hours straight if I have to help out at a camp later

Reflections

"When will my reflection show, who I am inside?" Mulan, from the aptly named Disney movie - Mulan.

Time once again for my weekly reflection. I'm going to try to tone down the emo-ness for this one.

It's 5.50pm on the second day of the holidays and all I have done so far is work, work and more work. I am beginning to wonder the wisdom of taking two RAs in an already hectic JC life.

I'm not that smart. I don't work as hard as many others do. I walk around, seeing people reading textbooks, churning out answers to the many questions on our worksheets. I sit around, listening to people pouring out facts about stuff I never knew existed.

Am I inadequate? Or have I not done enough?

In a class full of really, really good people (I mean this both academically and as human beings), I can't help but feel that I am somehow lacking. I am neither sociable nor academically inclined, I try too hard to fit in sometimes but never do.

What else am I lacking? Well, I can't tell right now. It is a journey, like my journey through Raffles Institution (my English showcase portfolio theme!). I have learnt much about myself from my experience in RI,but as I grow further from the people I have spent four years with and try to forge new relationships with new people, I have to change and mature as well.

I have to learn more about myself. I need to understand myself better.

Isn't that what life is all about? We go about our result oriented life, moving from project to project, assignment to assignment, losing ourselves in the process. We become what people want us to be, but fail to become what we were meant to be.

Sadly, as I trudge on the path to the ultimate end, I feel myself changing in ways I never imagined. I am becoming different, but is this truly me?

It is interesting how I can pour out what I truly feel into this blog, exposing my feelings to the world as a whole. And yet, I can never find someone mortal that I can truly confide in.

I have spent 12 minutes (and counting) typing out this post. Have I achieved anything from it? Maybe not.

An interesting fact

I noticed something interesting today.

I sleep later in the holidays doing work than during the school term.

Plus, if I stay up past 11.30pm, I can't sleep till 1am. And if I manage to stay up past 1am, I can don't sleep till the next day.

Hmmm, makes me wonder sometimes what I can do.

Oh screw it.

A blog is meant to be kept alive.

Emo-ness over. Let's move on with life.

A little reminder

Remember in the previous post I mentioned something about a spastic SPA? Well, it turns out that I didn't do as badly as I had imagined.

Well, today was the last day of Term 1 of my JC life. How quickly time has flown and how much time I have wasted.

I was keen to work hard, motivated by the makeup of my current class. Keeping that up for a few weeks seemed manageable at first, until I succumbed to temptations of relaxation and basically slacking.

I have back-slided. I have not completed or fulfilled any of the goals I had set out for myself, academic or not. I have failed thus far.

It is fitting that this post serves as a reminder to me as I type it out that the final goal of my academic life in RI(JC) is not as far as I might like to believe. I said so myself during Econs class today.

This is a reminder to me to stop slacking and start working. They say that life is not just about academics, but I beg to differ now. I am a student, a occupation that can be found on many of the internet drop-down lists during registrations. It is a duty, a burden but burdens only make one stronger.

I am in no way on par with anyone in my class. I can be considered one of the weakest relatively and thus am in no position to procrastinate, slack or waste my time away.

I need to start working harder, smarter, faster. I need to stop whatever I am doing wrong and start doing things the right way. I need to stop failing in my self-discipline, stop failing to control my urges to watch videos or surf websites online.

I have a potential to fulfil. I cannot let the people who have expectations in me down. I cannot fail my own self-pride.

I cannot fail myself anymore.

This may perhaps be one of the last posts on this blog for a long, long time. Should there be an update in the near future, it will be one of necessity, or I may have changed my mind and decided that time is not wasted here... let's see how it goes.

Until next time, this blog and blogger bids adieu to the blogosphere.

Science!

Chemistry SPA was so spastic today... really. I made so many stupid mistakes that I don't actually want to talk about it, but here they are!

1. Took the number of moles of KMnO4 used in the reaction as the mass of KMnO4 I measured divided by the molar mass. Forgot to divide by 250cm^3 and then multiply by the volume I used.
2. Redid my whole standard solution because someone told me that you were supposed to see the top of the meniscus at the line in the graduated flask, not the bottom. Turns out, for mixing a standard solution of KMnO4, you can use the bottom of the meniscus to measure...
3. Second titration went kaputz because instead of turning the burette's "tap" to stop the solution from flowing, I turned it the other way, causing a torrent of purple to appear in my titrand, thus ruining my result.
4. Basically, I couldn't figure out the equation of MnO4- and H2O2, although the answer was right there in the lecture notes and I apparently read them already.

Argh... I'm guessing that that's because of a lack of 3 hours of sleep from yesterday. Going to sleep early tonight :)

But before I go, here's a video about Science.

Just an entry; nothing else

My class is so damn funny!

Mrs. Lim (PW teacher): Chester, next week you write ah?
Nigel: Huh? He write? Then who read?

Then after class, we just stood around to listen to Aaron's "interesting" facts (and of course these facts would have to include stuff that one might consider taboo discussing in a co-ed environment.) Just everyone, crowding around one table, laughing like crazy.

I quote:

Sarah: Like when you watch on TV, doesn't everyone groan?

Hint: (Think sick..) Sarah, you win. Period.

Thanks guys. My life seems more colourful in this class :)