I feel this urge to write stuff whenever I start reading my econs notes.

However, the stuff I do write, seems to have NOTHING to do with econs.

Thus, the blog post right now. My notes are next to me, enlightening me on how small firms can survive alongside larger firms.

I'm so going to die for my essays on Friday.

101512

But I'm hoping so much you'll say, that you will love me anyway

MLTR :D

I'm not looking forward to the next 3 days. No school, staying at home to study, no friends, no classmates. It's going to be a bore.

And I'm not looking forward to the 7 days after the next 3 days. We go to school, take a promotional examination paper, go home after a couple of hours, and study for the next one. It's going to be hectic.

So much for a "study break". There's no "break" in "study break" somehow.

On a side note, I got reacquainted with my wife today :)

Went out shooting macros for like 10 minutes ><

Let's take a step out of my own problems and see the world's.

There's so much pain and sadness.

And though I want to help, I'm afraid that if I do, I'll make things worse.

Wait, scratch that. I will make things worse.

And it hurts to feel others hurting as well.

A follow up to the previous post:

Maybe I'm romanticising the idea of what life should be in all my previous posts.

Maybe life is about the nitty gritty details, how many ATP is produced from one glucose molecule, how the electronegativities of atoms change over a period, how MC=MR in profit maximisation and how y=f(x) can be transformed into y=f(|x|).

Maybe life is not about the people around us, relationships we have and emotions that we feel.

Maybe it's time I gave up all of that in pursuit of what society deems as happiness and success.

But why do I get the nagging feeling that this is all utter crap?

I feel this burden, this pain in my heart about not being able to tell people what I feel. But if I do, I'll be subject to ridicule, mockery, derision and scorn.

I cannot tell the world what I feel.

It'll just laugh and turn its back on me.

Just like what I am afraid the people around me will do if I do voice out what I'm going through right now.

I am afraid. So very afraid.

At the same time, so torn, torn between two choices.

I've got a good thing going this year, a great class, wonderful friends (both old and new) and new experiences.

Should I take the risk of destroying all that I am enjoying right now just to show the world who I truly am and what I really feel?

Economics will tell me to do a CBA. Biology will attempt to link all that I am saying to proteins and their interactions. Math might help me calculate the probability of me screwing up everything I know.

I just don't know what to say right now.

And yet, I'm writing so much.

It's perhaps mindless rants. I don't think through my blog posts before I write them out.

They are disjointed, illogical pieces of writing, following no structure, no form, no 5-paragraph essay organisation.

It's just too much for me to bear right now.

And no one, not even the closest of friends, not even my family can help me through what I am feeling right now.

For I will tell few, if not none. No offence, but this is the way I want it to be.

For I am afraid.

So damn afraid of the consequences.

Dr. Loo brought up the MBTI in class today and I was reminded how I am truly an 'I' and not an 'E'.

But why does it seem to many that I am not introverted and am extroverted instead?

"I'm a ISFP!" (to Tessa and Joshua)

"Huh? You're introverted?" (Tessa)

"No? I feel like you're the extroverted kind leh?" (Joshua)

and so on...

Maybe I'm just different around people whom I know. Maybe I'm just pretending to be extroverted, happy and thriving from the people around me. Maybe all I truly need is someone, someone

to be there beside me to hold me up when I'm down, to hold up when that someone's down,

to share my happiness and sadness, to share that someone's happiness and sadness,

to be with me whenever I need help, to be with whenever that someone needs help.

I apologise to my readers if I seem kind of emo on this blog. I just need to get all the feelings I cannot show to the people around me, all the emotions I cannot vent out, all the sadness I feel just existing and not being able to voice out what I feel.

Perhaps this is the better way to get all that out. After all, how many people read this blog? Only that few individuals who happen to chance across this blog, take a scan through the words forming sad sentences and emo paragraphs will know what I really feel in this period of time.

I thank the few who do read my rants, I thank the even fewer who care enough to speak to me about it.

I'm just confused right now. I am praying.

Praying so hard.

But why is nothing ever working out for me?

Lord, show me the way. Show me the path that you have chosen for me. Explain to me why I feel all that I feel right now.

And tell me if this is what I should be doing.

When I first started off with my revision, I thought I would be able to finish, no problem, easy.

But as I go on, why do I feel as if I will never finish!?

Am I glad that this week is over?

I'm not too sure. Well, it simply means that I have 1 week less before the promotional examinations.

But it was seriously one of the longest weeks that I have experienced in my life.

Come on, mugging in school from 8 am to 6 pm? That's honestly ridiculous from my standards.

And as the drilling and hammering continues next door, I'm wondering if I will be staying in school till late for the rest of the next week to escape from such headache causing disturbances.

Anyone wants to join me in school to study?

Thanks for reminding me about this video.

Inspiring, especially in the situation I'm in right now. I'm confused, lost and don't know what to do.

How should I live my life? Now I'm reminded as to a general direction for my life.

You know, sometimes it feels like you've done something really wrong and you can't tell what is it you have done?

Sometimes it feels like you should have done something, but you can't think of that something to save your life?

Someone remind me what I'm doing with my life again.

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place

Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change

I need to change. More. Even though I have changed much this year, there are so many imperfections that I still need to correct.

ARGH, time! Need more of it!

Mock promos, promos... ahhh my J1 life is coming to an end.

On to J2 and soon that will end too ><

Haiz.

Today was so much better.

MURDER I TELL YOU.

Got freaking murdered today.

But moving on to more pressing matters.

What is with people?

The fancy cars and the restaurants

you're just so fond of the man

Sometimes I wonder if you are blind

can't you see, he's got dirt on his mind

As cliché as it is, a leopard will never change its spots. Neither will people change their back stabbing, cheating, lying, stealing, unscrupulous actions.

And yet, you are blinded by their actions.

Sometimes I wonder if you are blind

can't you see, he's got dirt on his mind

Aptly named The Actor from Michael Learns to Rock, this is perhaps the situation we see in many of the interactions we observe in our day to day school life. Are we really showing the world our true selves? Or are we putting on a mask and just showing everyone around us what we want them to see?

Open your eyes big dear people. Re-examine the people around you and learn to trust only when you truly know you can trust.

If not, you're just setting yourself up for failure, disappointment and pain when he/she finally reveals his/her true colours.

So don't be afraid to let them show,

Your true colours,

True colours, are beautiful,

Like a rainbow.

You might not like the true colours you observe. They might just not be beautiful.

Tearing my hair out.

How does one mug 4 subjects in less than 1 week?

Argh, the only CT that I took (i.e. Biology) just had to make it compulsory that all bio students take a mock promo. So now, I have to go back to school during the September holidays to take 3 (!) mock promos, Bio, Chem and Math...

Where's the justice in this world?