Screw this. I should be independent by now.

Please stop waking me up at 5 every morning. It's bad enough that I'll have to do that for the next two years, just let me sleep now.

Sometimes, all I'm asking is for you not to be practical, not to be rational.

Just be emotional and comfort me when I'm feeling down. Not put me down any further.

The more I think about it, the worse it feels...

Did I feel screwed? Yes.

Do I feel worse now? Yes.

Hope

I don't want to write another sad blog post so I'll try to make this as positive as I possibly can.

edit: that didn't turn out too well :/

It's been a good, not so great, run so far. I've lived in hope for these many months, just waiting and waiting for something good to come my way. Is it possible to see anything good from what I woke up to this morning? I guess it's true, wishing only wounds the heart.

I woke up, as early as possible, just so that I could see where I stand. I woke up, as quickly as possible, feeling fresher than I've ever felt in my life. I woke up with hope. I woke up, too quickly, too early though. Should I have slept in anyway, now knowing that waking up earlier would have just led me to writing this earlier? There was a hope.

There are people who are mulling their futures already, hoping to make a decision between one or another. Then there are those who have made up their minds, but are unsure as to if that was the right choice. Me? I'm still sitting here in hope for something, just something to come my way. It hurts to see so many people getting it right while after I try time and again, there doesn't seem to be a single thing I can get right.

Perhaps there is something good I can see from this morning. I guess I really don't have to make a decision because I'm not presented with choices. Yet such slight comfort comes with an insidious, continuous nagging fear that I may not have a single option available to me soon. Soon I'll be going to a place where I am not given a choice, a place where I will just follow what others order me to do. Is it really that different from what possibly might happen to me?

To an extent, this is just my ego speaking. If it was a real being, it would be bruised right now - badly. I did all that I could, I tried to show the best side of me to them and somehow, that was not good enough for them. Sure, all I read were words that seem to suggest that such a notion is incorrect but the words were just thinly veiled disguises for the truth.

I want to forget this morning. I want to forget all the words I've read. I think that one day though, perhaps some day a few years later, I will remember. I will tell myself that it was all done in vain, spending copious time and money on an exercise that ultimately didn’t bring forth fruit. I have too good a memory for my own good.

Speaking of memory, it's funny how my mind works. I do not know why I am taking this so hard when I told myself that this was only a path I tried to carve just so that I could fulfill my end goal in this way or another. I told others that I would not choose this road if I were given other options. Then why do I feel like a sledgehammer has been taken to my heart, leaving it a pulverised mess?

I'm critical of myself. Now that I know that I've been deemed (what's a better word here) "unworthy" perhaps, I will look at every single thing I've done and decide that it was not good enough. I'll go on and decide that nothing I did was ever good enough. I'm regretting now that I ever considered something good enough for submission. It's too late though.

Now as I plod on with my shattered heart and shredded mind, I guess I just have to wait again. Waiting in hope only gives anticipation of a better outcome. Waiting though, is agony. It's not easy to survive agony in order to feel pain. But well, this is the only choice I have right now:

Take it or leave it.

A road taken so arduous, I don't think I can continue anymore. I quit.

I've tried to be nice to everyone. But how can I continue to do so if I hate myself so much?

I cannot enjoy the company of new people. Especially an organised meeting. It'll just be awkward and I'll be stupid.

When people meet, there are expectations. And trying to live up to those expectations.

Never mind, if I really can't find it in myself to meet new people, I'll just disappear to an island, alone. Then maybe it won't be so big a problem.

I trouble my mind with a continuous madness that has no respite. I don't know what's wrong.

Throwback

There are periods of time where you stare in the mirror and you see yourself. But no, not just the image of the person you think you are, but the real person, the one that lies under the layers of skin, flesh and bone. If the reflection pleases you, then good, there is no reason for anguish. Trouble arises when you don't like the person you see, when you're afraid that someone, somewhere and sometime, will look past your skin, flesh and bone and see you. You, the real you. And he won't like the person he sees.

It's your soul that counts at the end of the day. Only when there are people that you care for around you will this hit you and cause you pain.

I guess there's more soul searching to do.

It's over (somewhat)

Time for a little celebration I think.

Though I have two more papers on Monday, I think they're a little bit off my mind for now. The past few days have gone well, but with a few stupid mistakes being realised a couple of hours after each paper, I must say that I'm a little disappointed with what I've achieved.

Anyway, after prelims will be the mad chionging of application for universities. Why bother applying, I should just try for NUS first shouldn't I? Then worry about the rest during NS if I don't get in.

I'm worried though. So much to do for the apps, yet so little time. Meh.

BUT today was great. Spent time out and it was an awesome day. It really means something to me to be able to steal that couple of hours out of my busy weeks to spend with people I love.

Wish all days were like today.

Chew on this

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father with painful eyes he asked, Dad when will my fingers grow back?

The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'. The next day that man committed suicide.

Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life. Things are to be used and people are to be loved, but the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved.

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits they become character; Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Importance

Today, I realised how important someone is to me. To make me feel such anger on her behalf, I don't think anyone else can ever do so again.

Today I learnt how to let go.

Repost - If

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

----

I guess this is a repost to remind me of what makes a person truly him or herself. Not just a figment of imagination, but a reality.

What defines us as human is our common traits. What defines our self is our uniqueness, our strengths, our weaknesses. Something that no one can give to us nor take away.

What's the point in me trying to say anything in this house when someone is just going to butt in and cut me off? I guess this is my conclusion: I don't want to talk anymore, not about things that are important to me. There is no point if I speak and am not heard.

I was frustrated for a while today because of that.

Then I received that email from you. Thank you for turning my frown into a smile.

If only you knew what I'm feeling, what I'm going through right now.

To learn to live, to live to learn.

To live to love, to love to live.

To love to learn, to learn to love.

Praise the Lord!

If You Were Coming In The Fall by Emily Dickinson

If you were coming in the fall

I'd brush the summer by

With half a smile and half a spurn

As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year

I'd wind the months in balls

And put them into separate drawers

Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed

I'd count them on my hand

Subtracting 'till my fingers dropped

Into Van Diemen's land

If certain when this life was out

That yours and mine should be

I'd toss life yonder like a rind

And taste eternity.

But now all ignorant of length,

Of times uncertain wing,

It goads me like the goblin bee

That will not state its sting!