A follow up to the previous post:

Maybe I'm romanticising the idea of what life should be in all my previous posts.

Maybe life is about the nitty gritty details, how many ATP is produced from one glucose molecule, how the electronegativities of atoms change over a period, how MC=MR in profit maximisation and how y=f(x) can be transformed into y=f(|x|).

Maybe life is not about the people around us, relationships we have and emotions that we feel.

Maybe it's time I gave up all of that in pursuit of what society deems as happiness and success.

But why do I get the nagging feeling that this is all utter crap?

I feel this burden, this pain in my heart about not being able to tell people what I feel. But if I do, I'll be subject to ridicule, mockery, derision and scorn.

I cannot tell the world what I feel.

It'll just laugh and turn its back on me.

Just like what I am afraid the people around me will do if I do voice out what I'm going through right now.

I am afraid. So very afraid.

At the same time, so torn, torn between two choices.

I've got a good thing going this year, a great class, wonderful friends (both old and new) and new experiences.

Should I take the risk of destroying all that I am enjoying right now just to show the world who I truly am and what I really feel?

Economics will tell me to do a CBA. Biology will attempt to link all that I am saying to proteins and their interactions. Math might help me calculate the probability of me screwing up everything I know.

I just don't know what to say right now.

And yet, I'm writing so much.

It's perhaps mindless rants. I don't think through my blog posts before I write them out.

They are disjointed, illogical pieces of writing, following no structure, no form, no 5-paragraph essay organisation.

It's just too much for me to bear right now.

And no one, not even the closest of friends, not even my family can help me through what I am feeling right now.

For I will tell few, if not none. No offence, but this is the way I want it to be.

For I am afraid.

So damn afraid of the consequences.