Feeling sick. Slept from 2.30pm all the way to 6pm today. And I still feel like sleeping.

Add that to some injury I think I picked up from golf today.

How much worse can my day get?

Not much I think...

If by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

42

There are so many things to do.

So many things I need to do. So many things I want to do. Somehow, these two categories don't seem to overlap much.

Well, at least one thing that's off my mind is SBO. I didn't get in and I guess that's a good thing? Sure, I'm disappointed but well, I've never expected myself to be good enough in Biology to get in. Now, at least I have some time, a little bit of time to sit down and do what I want to do.

But now comes with a worry that I won't get into the practical round of SChO. And after all I have done, all I have sacrificed for it, I will, in short, be sincerely disappointed. I have given my all for this olympiad and if I still don't make it, it'll just be a confirmation of my inadequacy.

SDMA's deadline is coming up and we're basically rushing it to hell. With everything clogging up any second of "free" time we had the past few weeks, it is honestly no wonder why we have to do so. We didn't procrastinate it, neither did we have an inkling of nonchalance. Just, time. A lack of it.

It seems that all my problems are related to time. A lack of it, an excess of it (not really a problem there because this rarely happens), wastage of it, spending of it. But time is pretty much, I guess, a figment of mankind's imagination. Is it tangible? Is it something you can grasp and hold? Is it something you can express in physical terms? It is said that if you travel at the speed of light, there would be no concept as time. Why? Mankind's idea of time is basically a comparison with the speed at which light travels. So, move at the speed of light, no time would pass. Interesting. I would honestly like to feel what it would be to live in a universe where time doesn't exist. But would I then live forever? I don't want that.

As time passes, so do parts of us. Loves blossom and die. Innocences lost, what we call maturity gained. Some relationships lost, others gained. We age, grow old and die. Time, so much, yet so little. A universal ruler, so merciful at times, and cruel at others. Necessary, yet so easily hated.

Why is it that all I want to do can never fit into my schedules? Why I am filled to the brim with things I don't want to, but need to, do?

I want to live! Not just to exist in this sad existence of just doing, following a routine that I have become sick of repeating each day. I want to experience what life has to offer (more figments of mankind's imagination perhaps) in the time I spend on Gaia. I had lost faith in what life was but I'm slowing gaining back my faith in what life is.

To be fair, I have indeed experienced more of what life has to offer this year. I thank God for the people around me. It was awesome, having dinner with you guys at the farewell for Mr. Pan and basically hanging out with you all every single day of my school life.

I'm not an actor, I'm not a star,

And I don't even have my own car.

But I'm hoping so much you'll say,

That you will love me anyway.

Ok, maybe not as contextual as the lyrics above go but I know I'm a forgettable individual. I don't do or say retarded things to make you laugh. I know who I am but I hope that some of you will remember me when we have gone our separate ways, living out the rest of our lives. Just remember me as that one guy in your class, someone you once knew and someone that once had the pleasure of knowing you. That's all I ask.

At this point, I look back at what I've written and think, why are most of my posts in this depressed, dejected and basically sad tone? I guess, because the happy things in my life are few and even if they do exist, I can't find an avenue to share it with anyone, not even here. I used to share happy things with others, but I've been met with nonchalance, disregard and misunderstanding.

I now don't need people around me to be happy for me. I just want to be happy and I want to be there for the people around me. Hell, I don't even need people to share my burdens. For those who actually read these miserable posts, know who I am and actually bother to try to ease my misery, don't. It'll just make my writing here less open and I'll lose the only avenue to let out the bottled feelings inside of me.

Sometimes I feel that nobody in this world understands me. That feeling passes quickly but will always come back for a second helping of my soul. It's this equilibrium, if you get what I mean. I lose a little faith and then gain a little back every single day of my life. It's like FML and GMH combined.

Time has changed who I am. I've never really contemplated the same thing over and over again before. I've never harped on the same issue over and over again before. I hate myself for this. I love myself for this. Is this behaviour for the better? Well, I don't know. I don't think so, but I don't know so.

42 may be the answer to life, the universe and everything. It isn't though, the answer to the questions nagging in my heart. Who am I? Is what I'm doing right? Is what I'm feeling justified? Is what I want to do right? (generic questions indeed, but these questions with details included could never be revealed to the world)

Love changes everything,

Love makes you fly, it can break your wings.

Love changes everything,

Love makes the rules, from fools to kings.

I love most of the people in my life. Though I may not show it, what I say and do may not obviously reflect it, I honestly do. I do everything I do, so that you'll lead an easier life. No, this isn't a call for recognition. Please don't. It'll just make it awkward. This is simply something I need to get off my chest (again).

It's just so tiring.

I've been staying up way too late every single day for the past week.

I lie here in bed, laptop in front of me and McMurry by my side (I've already given up studying tonight), and am thinking.

Thinking of all the time I have used this year.

Thinking of all the time I have wasted this year.

Thinking of all the time I have shared with the people I love this year.

Thinking of all the time I have spent with those I don't.

Thinking of all the time I thought brought me happiness.

Thinking of all the time I thought brought me sadness.

A tumultuous year indeed.

My RJ life has been one big mixing bowl. The recipe for my life is still not complete, but these are the steps that I've gone through already:

1. Measure out 2 RAs and add it to the bowl.

2. Mix in 17 other individuals, making sure it forms a homogenous mixture. It might not mix that well at first, but after a while, it will.

3. Throw in friendships, old rekindled ones and new ones alike, and pick out old friendships that have been lost.

4. Slowly fold in CCA commitments, both old passions and new ones.

5. Sprinkle in a generous helping of love

6. Pour in a teaspoon of agony and heartbreak

7. Once again, sift into the bowl a mixture of As, Bs, Cs and Ds.

8. The mixture will form a dough. If cracks appear, add in a little forgiveness and a little compromise.

9. (to be continued)

Staring back at the past indeed teaches you things. I've learnt much this year, in academics and more importantly, about myself and about the people around me.

I questioned once, is it too much too soon? I felt overwhelmed sometimes and well, I've come close to crumbling, come close to just breaking down and losing my mind.

But I haven't.

This just goes to say something right? That it definitely isn't too much too soon. It's also not too little, neither is it too late. Everything has come in the right proportions and at the right time.

I realised, this year, and the blog posts that accompanied it, has been full of questions.

Perhaps a little repetitive, with the same things popping up here and then. But hey, I'm just a 17 year old student, what more do I have to worry about other than academics, CCA and relationships?

But though all the while I question, I never seem to be able to find the answers. I've never been able to eloquently put down on paper (or down here) the answers to all the questions that fill my head.

I read others' blogs. I read and see beautifully scripted posts regarding academics, of love and on life. I see people pouring out their emotions seemingly so simply and honestly, yet at the same time, I know we all hide a little of everything, never showing the full picture.

I pride myself as a Literature student, but I've never been able to write anything like that.

That's not me. I don't want to write like that. Sure, I envy their command of the English language. I envy their eloquence in the language.

But I write literally. I don't hide behind vocabulary or mask what I say in metaphors or imagery. I was trained that way but I write exactly how I feel in the simplest English words I can pick from the dictionary. Yes, posts might have become cryptic once in a while, but that is because I cannot show the world what I am thinking. But to hell with that, I'm just going to write what I am thinking about from now on in ways everyone, in just one read, can understand.

So what of questions?

1 year of my life has come and gone.

My inadequacy has been proven and at the same time I've been, albeit little, lauded.

Perhaps I have found some answers, but they have not presented themselves in a concrete, tangible form. I think that I have grown wiser over this year, I think that I have found answers to questions that I have been pondering.

But I just don't know for sure. It's not as if I can write down these answers in a word, a phrase, a sentence, an essay or even a 10k word novel.

If I look at my life hard enough, I think the main thing troubling me is life itself. And we all know that there's no answer to life, right? (don't give me that thing about 42, though it is a really nice number :D)

However, there is a way to sum up life, in my honest opinion: love. It is the interaction of love between people, or the lack of it. It is the effects of love between us and the world around us, or the impacts if we choose to hate it. We cannot live without love, that much I know.

I would like to think that I am not the only one going through such troubles and worries.

However, I am glad for such troubles and worries. It gives me purpose and drive to carry on with each day. It makes me want to wake up each dawn to a new day of amazements and wonders.

It is a beautiful world. I realised and lost that realisation many times over.

But that is what I now truly believe in. With all its flaws, the world is still a really wondrous one.

Undoubtedly, this week has been one of the longest weeks in my life.

These few weeks will be the longest few weeks in my life.

Sometimes I ask if I have taken on too much. Have I overestimated myself?

Then I realise that my life is in the hands of God. If this is His plan for me, who am I to question?

Loves

There exists in this world 4 loves, 4 unique and special loves. Listed in no order of merit, but perhaps in the order of significance to me, they are: agape, storge, philia and eros.

Storge is the familial love. Philia on the other hand is the love between friends. Eros, the root word of "erotic" suggests a sexual nature to the love one experiences.

What strikes me most, however, is the power of agape.

Agape, the love of self-sacrifice, the unconditional love, the love that keeps on giving and never taking. It is active, voluntary and thoughtful, never wanting anything in return but is passionately committed to the pure need for the person you love to be happy.

It is beautiful.

It is a genuine affection with nothing more than just love. It wants happiness in the person you love, wanting to take away the ill feelings that he or she might be having. Agape dictates that you don't feel a sense of loss or pain when you make the sacrifices for the person you love.

Sacrifices in this world are aplenty. In the road of life, where imprints are left in the soft ground, sacrifices linger in each and every step. It's just a matter of whether they decide to show themselves to the world or remain hidden.

Indeed, love, a pure true love like agape, is patient. It waits and can wait till the end of eternity.

Neither does it boast, nor is it proud.

Sacrifices, truly worthy sacrifices, need not be shown to the world. Even the person you make the sacrifices for does not need to know. But with such sacrifices comes sweet sadness, a bewitching pain that is not explainable.

My friend asked me whether such pain and sadness stems from hesitance, a nagging feeling that you don't actually want to make such sacrifices.

Somehow, I don't think so. Hesitance, the slightest bit of it, will taint this love, a irremovable stain on the snow white exterior. It makes the pain and sadness bitter, it leaves you jaded with the world. It gnaws at your heart till you don't believe in anything anymore, when love just seems like a cruel twist of fate.

Then would that be agape? No.

As with everything in this world, there is no such thing as a win-win situation. It is a zero sum game, where you are never for the better. Agape then seems to come with happiness and sadness, contentment and loss, pleasure and pain.

Love is said to be an investment. An investment of time and genuine emotions. We would expect a certain rate of return on any investment, why not this one? It doesn't make sense now does it? How can there be a love so pure, a love so genuine that all one needs when in such a love is that the person he loves is happy no matter what he feels?

I can't explain it. No one can.

I am sure however that it is blissful. Until you experience it for yourself, until you have tasted of the sweet fruit of agape, you have existed, but not lived.