I lie here in bed, laptop in front of me and McMurry by my side (I've already given up studying tonight), and am thinking.

Thinking of all the time I have used this year.

Thinking of all the time I have wasted this year.

Thinking of all the time I have shared with the people I love this year.

Thinking of all the time I have spent with those I don't.

Thinking of all the time I thought brought me happiness.

Thinking of all the time I thought brought me sadness.

A tumultuous year indeed.

My RJ life has been one big mixing bowl. The recipe for my life is still not complete, but these are the steps that I've gone through already:

1. Measure out 2 RAs and add it to the bowl.

2. Mix in 17 other individuals, making sure it forms a homogenous mixture. It might not mix that well at first, but after a while, it will.

3. Throw in friendships, old rekindled ones and new ones alike, and pick out old friendships that have been lost.

4. Slowly fold in CCA commitments, both old passions and new ones.

5. Sprinkle in a generous helping of love

6. Pour in a teaspoon of agony and heartbreak

7. Once again, sift into the bowl a mixture of As, Bs, Cs and Ds.

8. The mixture will form a dough. If cracks appear, add in a little forgiveness and a little compromise.

9. (to be continued)

Staring back at the past indeed teaches you things. I've learnt much this year, in academics and more importantly, about myself and about the people around me.

I questioned once, is it too much too soon? I felt overwhelmed sometimes and well, I've come close to crumbling, come close to just breaking down and losing my mind.

But I haven't.

This just goes to say something right? That it definitely isn't too much too soon. It's also not too little, neither is it too late. Everything has come in the right proportions and at the right time.

I realised, this year, and the blog posts that accompanied it, has been full of questions.

Perhaps a little repetitive, with the same things popping up here and then. But hey, I'm just a 17 year old student, what more do I have to worry about other than academics, CCA and relationships?

But though all the while I question, I never seem to be able to find the answers. I've never been able to eloquently put down on paper (or down here) the answers to all the questions that fill my head.

I read others' blogs. I read and see beautifully scripted posts regarding academics, of love and on life. I see people pouring out their emotions seemingly so simply and honestly, yet at the same time, I know we all hide a little of everything, never showing the full picture.

I pride myself as a Literature student, but I've never been able to write anything like that.

That's not me. I don't want to write like that. Sure, I envy their command of the English language. I envy their eloquence in the language.

But I write literally. I don't hide behind vocabulary or mask what I say in metaphors or imagery. I was trained that way but I write exactly how I feel in the simplest English words I can pick from the dictionary. Yes, posts might have become cryptic once in a while, but that is because I cannot show the world what I am thinking. But to hell with that, I'm just going to write what I am thinking about from now on in ways everyone, in just one read, can understand.

So what of questions?

1 year of my life has come and gone.

My inadequacy has been proven and at the same time I've been, albeit little, lauded.

Perhaps I have found some answers, but they have not presented themselves in a concrete, tangible form. I think that I have grown wiser over this year, I think that I have found answers to questions that I have been pondering.

But I just don't know for sure. It's not as if I can write down these answers in a word, a phrase, a sentence, an essay or even a 10k word novel.

If I look at my life hard enough, I think the main thing troubling me is life itself. And we all know that there's no answer to life, right? (don't give me that thing about 42, though it is a really nice number :D)

However, there is a way to sum up life, in my honest opinion: love. It is the interaction of love between people, or the lack of it. It is the effects of love between us and the world around us, or the impacts if we choose to hate it. We cannot live without love, that much I know.

I would like to think that I am not the only one going through such troubles and worries.

However, I am glad for such troubles and worries. It gives me purpose and drive to carry on with each day. It makes me want to wake up each dawn to a new day of amazements and wonders.

It is a beautiful world. I realised and lost that realisation many times over.

But that is what I now truly believe in. With all its flaws, the world is still a really wondrous one.