42

There are so many things to do.

So many things I need to do. So many things I want to do. Somehow, these two categories don't seem to overlap much.

Well, at least one thing that's off my mind is SBO. I didn't get in and I guess that's a good thing? Sure, I'm disappointed but well, I've never expected myself to be good enough in Biology to get in. Now, at least I have some time, a little bit of time to sit down and do what I want to do.

But now comes with a worry that I won't get into the practical round of SChO. And after all I have done, all I have sacrificed for it, I will, in short, be sincerely disappointed. I have given my all for this olympiad and if I still don't make it, it'll just be a confirmation of my inadequacy.

SDMA's deadline is coming up and we're basically rushing it to hell. With everything clogging up any second of "free" time we had the past few weeks, it is honestly no wonder why we have to do so. We didn't procrastinate it, neither did we have an inkling of nonchalance. Just, time. A lack of it.

It seems that all my problems are related to time. A lack of it, an excess of it (not really a problem there because this rarely happens), wastage of it, spending of it. But time is pretty much, I guess, a figment of mankind's imagination. Is it tangible? Is it something you can grasp and hold? Is it something you can express in physical terms? It is said that if you travel at the speed of light, there would be no concept as time. Why? Mankind's idea of time is basically a comparison with the speed at which light travels. So, move at the speed of light, no time would pass. Interesting. I would honestly like to feel what it would be to live in a universe where time doesn't exist. But would I then live forever? I don't want that.

As time passes, so do parts of us. Loves blossom and die. Innocences lost, what we call maturity gained. Some relationships lost, others gained. We age, grow old and die. Time, so much, yet so little. A universal ruler, so merciful at times, and cruel at others. Necessary, yet so easily hated.

Why is it that all I want to do can never fit into my schedules? Why I am filled to the brim with things I don't want to, but need to, do?

I want to live! Not just to exist in this sad existence of just doing, following a routine that I have become sick of repeating each day. I want to experience what life has to offer (more figments of mankind's imagination perhaps) in the time I spend on Gaia. I had lost faith in what life was but I'm slowing gaining back my faith in what life is.

To be fair, I have indeed experienced more of what life has to offer this year. I thank God for the people around me. It was awesome, having dinner with you guys at the farewell for Mr. Pan and basically hanging out with you all every single day of my school life.

I'm not an actor, I'm not a star,

And I don't even have my own car.

But I'm hoping so much you'll say,

That you will love me anyway.

Ok, maybe not as contextual as the lyrics above go but I know I'm a forgettable individual. I don't do or say retarded things to make you laugh. I know who I am but I hope that some of you will remember me when we have gone our separate ways, living out the rest of our lives. Just remember me as that one guy in your class, someone you once knew and someone that once had the pleasure of knowing you. That's all I ask.

At this point, I look back at what I've written and think, why are most of my posts in this depressed, dejected and basically sad tone? I guess, because the happy things in my life are few and even if they do exist, I can't find an avenue to share it with anyone, not even here. I used to share happy things with others, but I've been met with nonchalance, disregard and misunderstanding.

I now don't need people around me to be happy for me. I just want to be happy and I want to be there for the people around me. Hell, I don't even need people to share my burdens. For those who actually read these miserable posts, know who I am and actually bother to try to ease my misery, don't. It'll just make my writing here less open and I'll lose the only avenue to let out the bottled feelings inside of me.

Sometimes I feel that nobody in this world understands me. That feeling passes quickly but will always come back for a second helping of my soul. It's this equilibrium, if you get what I mean. I lose a little faith and then gain a little back every single day of my life. It's like FML and GMH combined.

Time has changed who I am. I've never really contemplated the same thing over and over again before. I've never harped on the same issue over and over again before. I hate myself for this. I love myself for this. Is this behaviour for the better? Well, I don't know. I don't think so, but I don't know so.

42 may be the answer to life, the universe and everything. It isn't though, the answer to the questions nagging in my heart. Who am I? Is what I'm doing right? Is what I'm feeling justified? Is what I want to do right? (generic questions indeed, but these questions with details included could never be revealed to the world)

Love changes everything,

Love makes you fly, it can break your wings.

Love changes everything,

Love makes the rules, from fools to kings.

I love most of the people in my life. Though I may not show it, what I say and do may not obviously reflect it, I honestly do. I do everything I do, so that you'll lead an easier life. No, this isn't a call for recognition. Please don't. It'll just make it awkward. This is simply something I need to get off my chest (again).

It's just so tiring.