I need to sleep more.

Doing work every single second of the day just wears me out.

Only time can tell if this will pay off.

No one can understand what I feel now.

Too much to bear, I need strength.

Knowing that I've done much.

Never knowing if I've done enough.

Only time can tell, won't it?

When will I know?

Why am I doing all this?

How do I think this will change me?

Only I will know, only I can tell.

I'm tired.

Anywhere I look, I see a beautiful world.

Me, I keep me to myself, detached from the world.

As the day passes and the weeks follow, I'm finding myself.

Nobody human can help me.

Yet, I know I need help.

More than ever.

Only God can help me now.

Really.

Even so, everything is good now.

"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone." - Javan

Truly, I cannot be everything to everyone, not even something to everyone.

I am ignored and left in the shadows. I am not outstanding, not special, not best in what I do.

But that's what I am, and I have grown accustomed to the loneliness I feel all the time, even when people surround me.

All I ask is for me to be something to the people closer and dearer to me.

Phew, another long day in school has ended.

I've realised how emo this blog has become in the last few months and I think it's about time I start blogging about trivial and happy things.

But today has been a long one, and my bed looks so inviting. I think I shall answer its call, and go to sleep soon. So no long post from me, just this one.

Failure

The academic definition of failure is one defined by an inequality. Marks less than 50, or in RJ's case, less than 45.

I have never experienced this.

But I have experienced this: a failure to meet my own expectations.

For all my friends around me, they have never, ever failed to meet their expectations, surpassing them in one way or another. That's why they'll never understand what I feel right now.

When your friends ask you if you are ok, the only sane answer to give is 'yes'. When your teachers pat you on the shoulders and ask if you are fine, the only way to answer is to look up and nod your head, a quick and simple gesture replying 'yes'.

The hard part comes not with failure, but with the dealing with such social cajoling on how I shouldn't be sad, about how I have done well enough, telling me to cheer up.

You need and are expected to come clean about your pain and sadness immediately.

And immediately are expected to get over it.

Why do you think I am writing this out now at this time? It's simply because I cannot get over how I have failed myself. I have failed my expectations of myself. I have failed what I know to be true of myself.

It's going to take a while. Till that time comes, I have to face all those around me with a faux smile on my face, agreeing to "cheer up", "stop emoing" and agreeing that "I did well already".

Perhaps those closer to me would know how I feel. For those people around who notice but don't really care as to what I am going through right now, by all means, I won't fault you. But for all those who notice and care, all they can do, all they can say, all they have done, all they have said, just served and will serve to make me feel worse than I already do.

There is a time for everything.

There are times when one needs company.

There are also times when one needs to be alone.

Maybe I wasn't really feeling sick today. Maybe I just felt that I needed this time to be alone, all by myself, not having to face the world with a false front.

It's tiring to be someone you are not. It's tiring to try to be someone you are not. It's tiring to pretend to be someone you are not.

I am a failure. A failure to myself and no one else.

edit

When I got back my results, it wasn't the best day in my life. Ordinarily, I would just sit to a side by myself. But yesterday, I took two pieces of paper and wrote out two prayers, two of the most heartfelt prayers I had ever said or written in my entire life. Even after that, I still hadn't got over the "fail" results that I got but now with so many things needing application, needing attention, I can't find the time to even care.

But now, as I speak to people around me who are considering taking two H3s, and knowing that I once wanted to do so and now am unable to, I can't help but feel a sense of disappointment.

Disappointment in myself, in what I have done, in what I am lacking.

Though I tell myself now that I shouldn't care about what others around me think, that I should only care about what God wants for me, that I shouldn't doubt God's plan for me, I must admit that it is hard. It is not easy, after so many years of knowing what to do, after so many years of being completely able to move on in life without much of God's guidance, after so many years of just succeeding through what seemed like my own effort.

It is hard for me to tell myself that whatever I wanted then isn't the best for me. I know that God has been guiding me throughout my entire life, even when I thought I did it on my own. But to put all my trust, to throw all my human understanding out of the window, to lean only on Him for strength and understanding, are somethings that don't come naturally to me.

I know that I should praise the Lord for this result, even though it is not to my expectations. It is only right that I give thanks, give all glory to Him for the things that are happening in my life. This is my sole purpose as a human being, I need to learn to glorify God.

I am reminded that all things that happen to me in my life are blessings from Him. They might be obvious ones, like stuff that I have been talking about in previous posts. Or they might just be disguised ones, coming in packages of pain and sadness.

Count your blessings, name them one by one.

Count your blessings, see what God has done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one.

Then you'll be surprised to see what God has done.

Countless blessings in my life indeed, even though they might not seem to be that way.

This disappointment I feel perhaps just stems from my flawed understanding of the larger picture, from a failed map that I have drawn out for my life. In RI, it used to be so easy, I coasted through life without a worry or a care. But as I tried harder this year, everything I did didn't turn out right, or even if they did, they never seemed to make me feel any better about myself.

At least in my own eyes.

For God's thoughts are not my thoughts, and His ways not mine. What I see as disappointment is because I look at it from my perspective. In His plan, this is exactly what He wants for me. I need to accept that what I think is right and what I think is wrong may not be so in God's plan for me.

I need to stop trying so hard, stop relying on my own strength. I need to pray more, learn more about His plan for me. I need to have a closer walk with Him.

Putting all my faith in Him, I know I will have a divine peace within me. A peace that passes all understanding.

When multiple posts fill a single day, I must be either too darn happy, or the complete opposite.

Being reminded about how I suck with my parents repeating people's results over and over and freaking over again just isn't the way I should be spending this night.

I want to cry. I need to cry. Too many things have happened, too many things have caused me pain.

But as always, the tears won't come.

Consequence

As peals of laughter and the audible smack of people giving each other "high-fives" fill my ear, I am reminded of how I am inadequate.

Whatever you say, about how I did 'ok' and how I can get better, I know that that was just consolation.

I know, that others might kill for my results. I know, that some people would dream of such letters on their report card.

AAACD

But I also know, that this is bad. In my class, this is nothing. 3 'A's and still I am lacking? What more do you want from me?

Depressed I may be, but no one sees, except for that sole person that has been trying to comfort me the whole of today. I sit there, head held low. I walk away, in complete silence. I cry on the inside, while laughing on the outside.

I know: I am nobody, I am not worthy of your time. I don't do well in academics, I don't excel in anything I do. I just survive.

And obviously that's not enough now, is it?

I am but a mere mortal, in this god-like environment. You have every right to ignore me, push me to one side and leave me there, while you go on with your happy lives, achieving greatness in whatever you dabble in.

Is intelligence everything? Sure does seem like it.

As classrooms, hallways and every other conceivable empty space in this accursed institution throngs with people, I have never felt so alone before.

Solitude always came easy to me. It tasted sweet and always felt so right.

Never was it so painful. Never did I want people beside me and at the same time want to be alone. Never did I need someone to ease the pain and at the same time want to reject their every comforting word.

I had a dream once. That dream fueled my every thought, my every action, my every word. That dream was my motivation in life.

But as with all dreams, it was lofty, irrational and unachievable.

Well, that dream has now faded.

As the night falls and the next day comes, how can I go on? How can I find another motivation to move on with my life?

The dream has shattered into a million pieces.

Shards that pierce my already bleeding heart and my very motivation in life is gone.

What was I thinking? Who was I trying to fool? Myself? Or the people around me?

I am a scam. A fraud. A lie. I now know.

I now know that no matter how hard I try, I won't be good enough. I now know that no matter what I do, I won't achieve enough. I now know that in life, I cmi (a perfectly good phrase, used by a GP marker).

I give up, honestly. I've become disillusioned with all that I believed. I've lost faith in love, life and everything else. I don't want to push myself to be the best that I can be anymore.

I just want to live life happy.

I was happy once.

Where did that go?

Joy fills the once empty hole in my heart.

Anger

Someone told me something today that just caused me to feel anger.

Pure, complete anger.

Perhaps righteous, as another puts it.

All I know is, this anger stems not from hatred. It stems not from an insult to me, but an insult to someone else.

It instead stems from love, love for the people around me and the love I keep deep in my heart.

It stems from all I know that is right, and that is wrong.

And whether that is good or bad, that I do not know.

All I know is, this day has changed my impression for someone a whole lot.

When everything goes right as everything goes wrong, what do I do?

There's so much to be thankful and joyful for.

But.

There's also so much to be miserable and upset about.

A part of my life is trying to get my attention I think.

But what is it? And is it really trying to? Or is it just something I'm imagining as usual.

Ah but well, this is my 200th post! We should have something happy here :)

Getting into the Singapore Biology and Chemistry Olympiads was definitely something for me to celebrate about. I never imagined that I'd make it anywhere in my school life, but now I see how hard work pays off.

A*Star briefing today was kind of a waste of time unfortunately as I have already sat through countless briefings on SSEF. It was heartening though for me to be attached to IMB, the Institute of Medical Biology. I will be working at Dr. Thomas Keeble's laboratory from the 23rd of November to the 23rd of December, a whole month! And I think I am going to enjoy it.

This year has been a cause for celebration. First the double RAs, next my class. Now, I have the double olympiads and my attachment at an institute that I wanted to be attached to. Next Monday, I'll see if I have another reason for celebration.

Thank you God. It is only by your plan that I am going through this right now.

The pain is subsiding, the thoughts are fading.

When others around you are in such suffering, you can't be that selfish to think only of yourself.

Let sadness see what happy does

Let happy be where sadness was till now -Happy by Michael Jackson

Sadness can't see what happy does. It takes a pillow and smothers happiness, suffocating it when it just begins to wake up.

Sadness has taken a firm grip wherever it is, a death grip if you may. Happiness is going to have a hard time prying sadness out.

Identity

How does one put on one mask and then put on another one?

I don't know if and how its possible, but that is what I'm doing right now.

My usual visage is shrouded by another one.

Peel off the outer layers of an onion and you still won't see the growing bud.

Peel off what you see as me and you still won't find the growing me.

Who am I? I personally don't really know. Façade, guise, visage, mask, whatever you want to call it. I'm just adding them on one layer at a time.

I love my life right now. It's just that the things in life don't seem to be very loveable.

Are the things I say truly what I feel?

Campbell and Reece.

McMurry.

Two of my companions for the next few days. Add Carey to that and that's all I'll be doing for the next few days.

Epitome of my life as a student: I don't even have living companions for a long weekend.

Oh well, two more days. Then I'm back to school (yay!) , and of course the selection tests that I have been dreading (NO!!!).

And it's over!

Finally, the promotional examinations are over! I have a good feeling about a couple of them and am quite disappointed with myself for the others.

Now for the Chemistry and Biology Olympiad selection tests. I really do hope that I can get it for both. Biology Olympiad is going to alright I guess? But Chemistry Olympiad is going to be a whole different story. Must and will start studying for it tomorrow.

For the rest of today and tonight, I will SLACK! One thing that I've not been doing for a really really long time.

Chemistry was doable.

Then why did I still make so many STUPID mistakes?

Actually, now that I've been thinking about it, Economics and GP aren't as good as they appeared to be.

Oh no.

Wanted to insert stupid stuff into both Econs and GP, but somehow didn't manage to do so as I was to busy hyperventilating and panicking.

Why can't I go into an exam hall, sit down and not worry so much? My heart pounds, I start sweating and freaking out :(

But well, I hope the two subjects that I have done have been done to the best of my ability.

Now for the horrors of the sciences next week. I have no idea how the science departments are going to kill us, but let's just see.

Time to start studying again I think.

But why do I feel so unmotivated to do so? Sigh. Someone call me and make me study please!