Failure

The academic definition of failure is one defined by an inequality. Marks less than 50, or in RJ's case, less than 45.

I have never experienced this.

But I have experienced this: a failure to meet my own expectations.

For all my friends around me, they have never, ever failed to meet their expectations, surpassing them in one way or another. That's why they'll never understand what I feel right now.

When your friends ask you if you are ok, the only sane answer to give is 'yes'. When your teachers pat you on the shoulders and ask if you are fine, the only way to answer is to look up and nod your head, a quick and simple gesture replying 'yes'.

The hard part comes not with failure, but with the dealing with such social cajoling on how I shouldn't be sad, about how I have done well enough, telling me to cheer up.

You need and are expected to come clean about your pain and sadness immediately.

And immediately are expected to get over it.

Why do you think I am writing this out now at this time? It's simply because I cannot get over how I have failed myself. I have failed my expectations of myself. I have failed what I know to be true of myself.

It's going to take a while. Till that time comes, I have to face all those around me with a faux smile on my face, agreeing to "cheer up", "stop emoing" and agreeing that "I did well already".

Perhaps those closer to me would know how I feel. For those people around who notice but don't really care as to what I am going through right now, by all means, I won't fault you. But for all those who notice and care, all they can do, all they can say, all they have done, all they have said, just served and will serve to make me feel worse than I already do.

There is a time for everything.

There are times when one needs company.

There are also times when one needs to be alone.

Maybe I wasn't really feeling sick today. Maybe I just felt that I needed this time to be alone, all by myself, not having to face the world with a false front.

It's tiring to be someone you are not. It's tiring to try to be someone you are not. It's tiring to pretend to be someone you are not.

I am a failure. A failure to myself and no one else.

edit

When I got back my results, it wasn't the best day in my life. Ordinarily, I would just sit to a side by myself. But yesterday, I took two pieces of paper and wrote out two prayers, two of the most heartfelt prayers I had ever said or written in my entire life. Even after that, I still hadn't got over the "fail" results that I got but now with so many things needing application, needing attention, I can't find the time to even care.

But now, as I speak to people around me who are considering taking two H3s, and knowing that I once wanted to do so and now am unable to, I can't help but feel a sense of disappointment.

Disappointment in myself, in what I have done, in what I am lacking.

Though I tell myself now that I shouldn't care about what others around me think, that I should only care about what God wants for me, that I shouldn't doubt God's plan for me, I must admit that it is hard. It is not easy, after so many years of knowing what to do, after so many years of being completely able to move on in life without much of God's guidance, after so many years of just succeeding through what seemed like my own effort.

It is hard for me to tell myself that whatever I wanted then isn't the best for me. I know that God has been guiding me throughout my entire life, even when I thought I did it on my own. But to put all my trust, to throw all my human understanding out of the window, to lean only on Him for strength and understanding, are somethings that don't come naturally to me.

I know that I should praise the Lord for this result, even though it is not to my expectations. It is only right that I give thanks, give all glory to Him for the things that are happening in my life. This is my sole purpose as a human being, I need to learn to glorify God.

I am reminded that all things that happen to me in my life are blessings from Him. They might be obvious ones, like stuff that I have been talking about in previous posts. Or they might just be disguised ones, coming in packages of pain and sadness.

Count your blessings, name them one by one.

Count your blessings, see what God has done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one.

Then you'll be surprised to see what God has done.

Countless blessings in my life indeed, even though they might not seem to be that way.

This disappointment I feel perhaps just stems from my flawed understanding of the larger picture, from a failed map that I have drawn out for my life. In RI, it used to be so easy, I coasted through life without a worry or a care. But as I tried harder this year, everything I did didn't turn out right, or even if they did, they never seemed to make me feel any better about myself.

At least in my own eyes.

For God's thoughts are not my thoughts, and His ways not mine. What I see as disappointment is because I look at it from my perspective. In His plan, this is exactly what He wants for me. I need to accept that what I think is right and what I think is wrong may not be so in God's plan for me.

I need to stop trying so hard, stop relying on my own strength. I need to pray more, learn more about His plan for me. I need to have a closer walk with Him.

Putting all my faith in Him, I know I will have a divine peace within me. A peace that passes all understanding.