Consequence

As peals of laughter and the audible smack of people giving each other "high-fives" fill my ear, I am reminded of how I am inadequate.

Whatever you say, about how I did 'ok' and how I can get better, I know that that was just consolation.

I know, that others might kill for my results. I know, that some people would dream of such letters on their report card.

AAACD

But I also know, that this is bad. In my class, this is nothing. 3 'A's and still I am lacking? What more do you want from me?

Depressed I may be, but no one sees, except for that sole person that has been trying to comfort me the whole of today. I sit there, head held low. I walk away, in complete silence. I cry on the inside, while laughing on the outside.

I know: I am nobody, I am not worthy of your time. I don't do well in academics, I don't excel in anything I do. I just survive.

And obviously that's not enough now, is it?

I am but a mere mortal, in this god-like environment. You have every right to ignore me, push me to one side and leave me there, while you go on with your happy lives, achieving greatness in whatever you dabble in.

Is intelligence everything? Sure does seem like it.

As classrooms, hallways and every other conceivable empty space in this accursed institution throngs with people, I have never felt so alone before.

Solitude always came easy to me. It tasted sweet and always felt so right.

Never was it so painful. Never did I want people beside me and at the same time want to be alone. Never did I need someone to ease the pain and at the same time want to reject their every comforting word.

I had a dream once. That dream fueled my every thought, my every action, my every word. That dream was my motivation in life.

But as with all dreams, it was lofty, irrational and unachievable.

Well, that dream has now faded.

As the night falls and the next day comes, how can I go on? How can I find another motivation to move on with my life?

The dream has shattered into a million pieces.

Shards that pierce my already bleeding heart and my very motivation in life is gone.

What was I thinking? Who was I trying to fool? Myself? Or the people around me?

I am a scam. A fraud. A lie. I now know.

I now know that no matter how hard I try, I won't be good enough. I now know that no matter what I do, I won't achieve enough. I now know that in life, I cmi (a perfectly good phrase, used by a GP marker).

I give up, honestly. I've become disillusioned with all that I believed. I've lost faith in love, life and everything else. I don't want to push myself to be the best that I can be anymore.

I just want to live life happy.

I was happy once.

Where did that go?